Coat in window of London charity shop costs 95 f**king quid

A PRE-OWNED coat in the window of a London charity shop is being sold at a price higher than new coats retail for.

The offending second-hand jacket from Reiss brought passers by to a standstill as they assumed it must be a mistake or a sick joke made by staff at a British Heart Foundation in Clapham.

Coat admirer Francesca Johnson said: “It’s clean, in good condition, looks like it’s barely been worn. But 95 quid? You’re having a f**king laugh.

“I could buy my entire winter wardrobe from Primark for that and still have money to spare. I wouldn’t of course because I’m not proletariat scum, but my point stands.”

Onlooker Kelly Howard said: “I shouldn’t be surprised, really. People who work in charity shops get a massive buzz from watching us try to contain our horror as we check price tags. They’re sadistic freaks like that.”

Volunteer Mary Fisher said: “We’re in this for the money, not the moral high ground. If you can’t afford it, piss off to Zara where you belong. I’m sure they’ve got some cheap rags to suit your limited means.”

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Wanking still free

THE only form of entertainment the UK can still afford to indulge in is wanking, masturbators have confirmed.

Though every other form of pleasure, from eating to watching TV to going on a bracing country walk requires a financial outlay on consumables or equipment, indulging in a vigorous bout of self-pleasure still has no costs attached.

Oliver O’Connor said: “I remember when I first discovered it, lying in the afterglow thinking ‘Seriously? This is free?’

“And, all these years on, it remains a joy democratically available to everyone at any time that doesn’t hurt the household finances. Whether you’re a City CEO or a single parent in temporary accommodation, there’s always time for a wank.

“If you’ve got an internet connection you’ve got a staggering amount of visual aids to bash the bishop to. Even if not, you’ll be surprised at the power and vivid detail of your imagination.

“Give it a go. You’ll be glad you did and even if you do find yourself locked into a regrettable fantasy about your sister-in-law, it’s cost you nothing but shame.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “We are looking at the privatisation and monetisation of masturbation in short order. As a point of principle as much as anything.”