Newborn crying because he's got such terrible parents

A NEWBORN baby boy is bawling at the top of his lungs because he has been birthed to awful parents, it has emerged.

Two-month-old baby Jack Browne has spent most of his life loudly crying not because he is hungry or needs burping, but because he realises he has been born to a pair of stupids.

He said: “I might not know how to walk or feed myself, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of it’s that mum and dad are not up to the task of raising me. Hence the screeching and kicking.

“I’m their first so they’re flying blind. They aren’t going to sleep when I am, and the book they’re reading to me is way below my level. Black-and-white patterns? Boring. I need a challenge.

“If they’re doing a bad job now imagine what it’s going to be like when I’m older. No way are they going to be able to teach me how to read or ride a bike. Basically, I’m doomed.”

Mum Emma said: “Judging by the tone of his crying, I think Jack wants me to change him into an embarrassing outfit and take dozens of photos to share on Facebook. Call it a mother’s intuition.”

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Five bullshit reasons your cask ale costs that f**king much

ORDERED a cask ale only to be charged a preposterous sum of money? These are the ridiculous made-up reasons why: 

It’s from an independent brewery

The barman will mutter this as if it means something then quickly change the subject before you register that it’s nonsense. Independent from what, rational pricing? Now you have to make your pint last all night  because there’s no f**king way you can afford to get another round in.

There’s high quality hops in it

That’s as maybe. But have you ever tasted poor quality hops? No, because it’s impossible to tell the difference when they’re swimming around in malt and yeast. You don’t even know what regular hops taste like. You assume it’s some sort of grainy flavour but you’re not totally sure. It’s too late now anyway, drink up.

You’re paying for premium pretentiousness

You aren’t just paying for a pint. You’re paying for the dimpled glass. You’re paying to be in a bar with wooden pallets inexplicably nailed to the walls. You’re paying for a twentysomething with a waxed moustache wearing a flat cap to pour it for you. You can’t put a price on that. The barman can though, it’s £8.99 a go.

Production process bollocks

The particular ale you ordered is made with a bullshit ‘holistic production method’ to bring out the flavour. Translation: the guy who ladles this stuff out of his bathtub has to be paid a living wage. Next time go for a beer brewed in a huge vat churned by a machine. It tastes just as good and costs less.

Russia/ Liz Truss/ recession

The world is currently a clusterf**k of financial calamities so any of these factors could be to blame. Grain comes from Ukraine and there’s grain in cask ales, right? F**k knows. Meanwhile Liz Truss’s catastrophic two months in office didn’t help. Don’t forget the looming recession either. Actually, of course you should. That’s why you’re drinking.