Group of men in pub confusing 'banter' for 'hate speech'

AN OBNOXIOUS group of self-described ‘lads’ have confused irritating banter with offensive hate speech, it has been confirmed.

Patrons at The Drapers Arms in Islington were left aghast as the men loudly exchanged problematic slurs while clearly under the impression that they were ‘just having a laugh.’

Onlooker Martin Bishop said: “Banter is bad enough, but hate speech is definitely worse. They started slow by calling one of their group a ‘fanny’ for ordering a G&T then things got worse from there.

“By their second pint they’d exhausted every racial, homophobic and misogynistic insult imaginable. I’m sure if they’d heard about trans people they would have gone after them as well. It’s the only way their ignorance can be considered a positive.

“I tried to tell them they were making a basic error of mistaking bigotry with humour, at which point one of them told me to eff off and called me the C-word. Which only underlined my point.”

The group’s alpha male Julian Cook said: “I stand by what I said, I don’t give a f**k about snowflakes. Although if the police get involved I was only being ironic.”

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Britain remembers when it could afford disgrace of buying imported cheese

THE people of Britain are fondly reminiscing about the good old days when the country could afford the disgrace of importing two-thirds of its cheese.

With the economy continuing to crash, Britons have been wistfully looking back on the halcyon days of 2014 when Liz Truss warned everyone about the country’s shameful but affordable cheese importing habit.

James Bates from Stevenage said: “It feels like a lifetime ago. We were snapping up brie from France and Edam from the Netherlands without worrying about the cost. You couldn’t get away with that anymore.

“Back then nobody gave a shit whether there was a little Union Jack on a cheddar label or not. So long as it smelt strong and tasted good we were happy. Nowadays we can’t even stretch to buying Babybels.”

Nikki Hollis from Durham said: “It’s the younger generations I feel sorry for. They’ll never know the decadent thrill of idly tossing a Camembert wheel into their shopping basket without having to take out a loan from the bank.

“Let’s not get carried away with nostalgia though. The pound may be worthless but at least we’re not recklessly spunking cash on foreign cheese. We are no longer an international embarrassment.”