How to take your mind off your impending f**king doom this weekend

THE country is doomed. Your job, your house, your pension and everything you’ve ever worked for will soon be gone. Here’s how to not think about it:

Immerse yourself in dystopias

Whether a dystopian sci-fi TV show, book or video game, dedicate the next two days to life in a blasted, broken future where the survivors eke out lives in the wasteland that is all that remains of civilisation, and try to pick up tips while reassuring yourself there probably won’t be zombies.

Embrace Buddhism

Buddhists don’t need any stuff as you shortly won’t, so there’s never been a better time to find inner peace. Shave your head, sit in the lotus position and meditate on whether all homeless people have beards or all beards long for homelessness.

Get ill

In these comparatively easy times, before winter starts to bite and there’s still a roof over your head, a cold is a minor inconvenience. Catch one and languish in bed sneezing, blowing your nose and swigging Lucozade. Looking back, these will be the good times.

Watch a drama about Boris

Recall the happy period of the pandemic lockdown, when you were warm in your house you could afford, by watching This England about Boris Johnson’s Covid experience. Chuckle at the naïve scriptwriters who had no idea he was hosting wild parties throughout.

Learn to skateboard

Skateboarding notoriously inflicts many injuries on the learner, and nothing concentrates the mind on the present like severe pain. A few tumbles down a concrete half-pipe – especially if you’re unfit and over 40 – and you won’t give a thought to the infinite misery of your future.

Go to the pub

There will still be pubs in the future, but only in historical parks which explain that once ordinary working people had enough spare cash to stand at the ‘bar’ and buy ‘pints’ of ‘lager’. Take part in the final days of a national pastime soon to be as lost to us as bear-baiting.

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Seven surprising things you never, ever wanted to know about your parent's sex life

YOU don’t think your parent’s sex life for the sake of your sanity. Here are seven things you never wanted to know about it that might surprise you.

It exists

Strange, but true. After all, your parents are only human and have the natural biological urges that come along with that. This also means your grandparents must have made the beast with two backs on occasion, but you’re not ready to think about that yet.

They did it more than once

You’re alive, which means your parents bumped uglies at least once. And while you’ve convinced yourself it must have been a one and done deal, they’ve actually lost count of how many times they’ve succumbed to their lust. They’re probably doing it right now. Yikes.

They enjoy it

Sex is more than just a means to a reproductive end for your parents. It’s hard to believe, but their bodies feel the same euphoric sensations during intercourse that yours does. They’ve even experimented with different positions and copied things they saw on PornHub, the dirty dogs.

It’s more exciting than yours

Not because it’s especially kinky, even though it is. No, your parent’s sex life is more exciting because it’s built on a loving foundation. Meanwhile yours is built on messaging ‘hey’ to strangers on dating apps and hoping their self esteem is low enough that they’ll respond.

Toys are involved

Your parents have been vigorously going at it for decades, so it should be no surprise that they’ve resorted to toys to keep things exciting. If anything they should be commended for feigning surprise whenever a dildo appears on TV and asking you what it is. They know what they’re doing and they love to see how uncomfortable it makes you.

Sometimes it involves safe words

You know what safe words are and in which context they’re used. So do your parents, and sometimes they put this knowledge into action if they feel like spicing things up or it’s your dad’s birthday. You don’t want to know what their safe word is though, it’ll ruin the name of your childhood teddy bear forever.

Even mum likes it

Dad you can understand, but mum? You thought she was a massive prude who can barely cope with a kiss on Emmerdale. Dad must know what he’s doing down there and has probably honed his skills through hundreds of hours of devoted, strenuous lovemaking. Disgusting.