How has your lovely day been shat on by others?

WERE you all set to have a lovely day until other human beings came along and bollocksed it up for you? Like these bastards.

Your family

You’d have had a completely zen start to the day if it weren’t for your irritating loved ones. Your partner used the last Nespresso pod, causing an argument that brought up simmering resentments from four years ago, and your kid was sick in their school bag. Then, to top it all, your Mum called. And it’s not even 8am.

Your fellow commuters

How dare other people have the audacity to travel to work at the exact same time as you? And to do it while eating stinking breakfast foods, watching TikToks with no headphones and claiming a whole seat for their bag. You drop a few dick moves yourself in revenge, by standing on the wrong side of the escalator and pushing onto the bus before anyone can get off, which ultimately makes you feel worse.

Your colleagues

Steve wants to give you a scene-by-scene recap of Rings of Power and Barbara’s microwaving smoked mackerel for lunch: would any other members of your team be willing to take a staple-gun to your head and put you out of your misery? If you work from home you’ll get the same shit via Zoom, but at least nobody will be able to fart next to you in the lift.

Strangers in cafes

Some dickwad just snatched the last tuna mayo baguette from under your outstretched hand and now the twat at the front of the queue is holding everyone up asking the difference between a cappuccino and a flat white. You go to KFC instead and seethe inwardly while chewing your way through a disappointing nugget snack box.


Even if you didn’t see a single other person for the whole day, you’d still find a way to f**k it up for yourself. Whether you failed to go to the gym yet again, ate nothing but Monster Munch for breakfast and lunch, or spent the evening stalking your more successful friends on social media, you know plenty of ways to ruin your own day.

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We experimented with our economic policy on rats and it went fine, says Kwarteng

KWASI Kwarteng has sought to reassure nervous financial markets by revealing that his controversial mini-budget was tried out on rats in laboratory conditions.

The chancellor said that the experiment was a resounding success, convincing him that it would be perfectly safe to inflict the policy on human beings.

Kwarteng said: “We wouldn’t be idiotic enough to announce something like this without first trying it out on rodents. That would be the height of fiscal irresponsibility.

“We took two samples of rats, one set fat and well-fed, the other skinny and famished. Rather than feed the hungry rats, we gave the fat ones extra food they didn’t need, doubling their portions.

“We thought this would be better for the skinny rats than giving them direct handouts. Sure enough, we were right.

“The fat rats were so bloated and full that they regurgitated the extra food. The famished rats then gratefully ate it, and before long were as well as could be expected on a diet of partially digested seeds and nuts. It’s trickle down economics in action.

“So you see, the problem is not with our policy. It’s with with human beings. They should learn to be more like rats. They’re very intelligent creatures, you know. Probably more intelligent than any of us in government. Impressive, really.”