Only those who walked six miles to Woolworths for a tape appreciate music, say middle-aged

A TEENAGER who can access a whole brand new album without getting out of bed doesn’t really appreciate music, her parents have confirmed.

Martin and Helen Bishop say their daughter Lucy doesn’t value the songs she listens to because she has made f**k all effort to go out and get them.

Helen Bishop said: “If I wanted the new East 17 album back in 1994, I had to traipse into town to buy it on cassette, parting with a tenner, which was six sodding week’s worth of pocket money.

“I’d excitedly rush miles home again to put the hissy piece of crap in the tape deck and find out if any of the songs aside from the singles were even vaguely listenable. Which they rarely were.

“Lucy, on the other hand, can just scroll through her phone and listen to three seconds of each track before deciding it’s rubbish and moving onto something else. And she doesn’t even pay for it because it’s on the family plan.

“I feel sorry for her because she doesn’t understand the satisfaction that comes from working hard for something. And also because she never got to experience the sheer majesty of a fully-stocked Woolies Pick ‘n’ Mix section.”

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Labour supporters wank themselves dry over YouGov poll

 LABOUR supporters have confirmed that yesterday’s YouGov poll showing Starmer’s party 33 points ahead is the most erotic thing ever and they are spent.

Spontaneous ejaculations commenced the moment the poll was released at 5.27pm yesterday, with left-wingers and proponents of sanity continuing to masturbate long into the night.

Nathan Muir of Colne said: “33 points. 33. Jesus, even with all the wanking I’ve done saying it still makes my dick twitch.

“I couldn’t help it. I’ve been a left-winger all my life but I’ve never seen anything so tailored to my specific fetish, not even in the late 90s. I couldn’t keep my hands off myself.

“My wife was the same. Came in while I was lying in a post-orgasmic daze with the poll open on my laptop. Skirt up knickers down within seconds. She works for the NHS, you see.

“I tried to cool myself down with the Survation poll where they’re only 21 points ahead. Well that didn’t work. If anything it was more titillating for being subtle. I ended up with them both open, debauched and exhausted at 5am. No regrets.”

Sir Keir Starmer said: “Christ. It burns when I piss.”