Colleague ready to get pissed at moment’s notice

AN OFFICE colleague is ready to go and get hammered at literally a second’s notice, his co-workers have confirmed. 

IT manager Martin Bishop will go to the pub with any colleague after any shift and is prepared for it to become an all-night session or even a full weekend without any warning at all.

Friend Tom Booker said: “It doesn’t have to be Friday, there doesn’t need to be anything to celebrate, there doesn’t even need to be a match on.

“If I say, exploratively, ‘Fancy going out on the lash?’ on a Monday evening at 4.55pm he’s already got his coat on.

“I could text ‘Pint?’ in the middle of a morning meeting and he’d be at my desk with a hungry look.

“I mean he’s probably a functioning alcoholic but I have to admit it comes in really handy.”

Bishop said: “What’s wrong with wanting to be shitfaced all the time?

“Didn’t this used to be Britain, for Christ’s sake?”

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Sensitive Northern student finds spiritual home in foppish South

AN 18-YEAR-OLD from Wigan who prefers reading books to fighting has discovered a wonderful land of soft Southerners who enjoy similarly effeminate pursuits. 

Stephen Malley arrived at Bournemouth University yesterday expecting to be shunned for his habits of wearing coats on cold days and abstract thought, but instead found a community he could call his own.

He said: “I entered my hall’s kitchen expecting a light-hearted punch in the face and a demand to know what football team I supported, with more serious violence to follow whatever my answer.

“But instead I found my fellow students playing scrabble, discussing the novels of Jonathan Franzen and sipping rosé while enjoying music that – shockingly – was not Oasis.

“I sat down and was immediately offered hummus. Later we watched a film that was subtitled for all characters and not just the baddies.

“I can’t believe this pair of glasses hasn’t been stamped on for almost a week. This is where I was meant to be.”

Housemate Eleanor Shaw said: “Omigod I love Stephen, he’s so gritty and Northern.”