Commuters delighted at train delays for actual reason

LONDON commuters delayed for hours by a fire on the tracks at Vauxhall are thrilled that there is a genuine reason for once. 

The fire in signalling cables beneath the tracks has left thousands happily stranded while marvelling at the clear operation of cause and effect for the first time in living memory. 

Recruitment consultant Carolyn Ryan said: “A fire! A real one, with smoke and everything!

“It’s almost a privilege to be delayed by that, instead of unspecified staffing problems or a sudden, mysterious shortage of platforms. 

“I can’t wait to see the jealous faces in the office when I walk in four hours late because of an actual burning fire and not just the vagaries of capitalism.

“Maybe I’ll smear my face with burnt cork. Really hammer it home.”

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Lobsters mental

EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that lobsters look like they come from deep space, and what if they got massive or something.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Look at this lobster. Is it an animal, or a fish?

“They’ve got giant claws, full body armour and no proper face. There’s no way of telling what they’re thinking but it’s nothing very friendly.”

Professor Brubaker believes that rather than being involved in the evolutionary process, lobsters came to the planet through a dimension gate.

“They arrived on Earth about 90 years ago. That’s why you never see lobsters in medieval tapestries.

“Also they’re bright red, which seems wrong. You don’t get bright red cats.”

Lobster Roy Hobbs said: “I am pretty mental. Sometimes I just look at my pincers and go ‘what the fuck?’.”