Console game triggers total collapse of society

POLICE have warned the public to stay indoors until the post-Grand Theft Auto V murder spree has subsided.

More than 85,000 shootings, fatal beatings and vehicular homicides have been committed by previously law-abiding citizens unable to distinguish between real life and a lurid fictionalised version of Los Angeles.

A police spokesman said: “Stay in your homes. Everything is on fire.

“If you have been playing Grand Theft Auto V, you may have lost the ability to distinguish between good and evil.

“As a precautionary measure we recommend you acquire a copy of Aesop’s Fables. The stories are about foxes and ducks, and carry clear moral messages to remind you that actions have consequences.”

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving said: “The problem is that they’ve introduced an element of torture to the game.

“Why couldn’t they stick to the contract killing, gang warfare and indiscriminate slaughter that made the previous games such innocent fun?”

Computer game emulation caused thousands of injuries in the 80s as people leapt around mansions grasping at hard-to-reach items.

Cranial fractures from headbutting bricks shot up 400 per cent in the 90s. This was followed by the introduction of 24-hour security at graveyards to discourage tomb raiding.

However gamer Roy Hobbs said: “This is hysterical media bullshit. There’s no way computer games would ever inspire me to voluntarily go outside.”

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Clowns confirm they are evil

CLOWNS have spoken out to confirm their malice and wickedness.

Amid renewed debate over whether fictional portrayals of clowns are ‘unfair’, clowns stressed that they are all pure evil.

Clown Julian Cook said: “I strongly condemn any suggestion that we have entertainment value.

“We are painted demons and we will eat your soul.”

Creepy harlequin thing Mary Fisher said: “You should fear us.”

She added: “Come here little one, I have a balloon dog for you, see how pretty it is.”