iPhone vs Jason vs Aliens announced

IPHONE 6 will be a feature film where the smartphone battles classic movie monsters Jason Voorhees and the aliens.

Sent into space to market itself to extraterrestrials, the iPhone soon finds itself in a three-way battle with hockey-masked Jason and the courgette-headed xenomorphs.

Stephen Malley of SFX Magazine said: “This is a textbook move for bringing new life into a franchise that was once exciting, but has become a bit tired and seen-it-all-before.

“The original iPhone was great, the sequels added a lot and even the fourth instalment was a cut above most series that get to that stage, but as it goes on it gets harder for audiences to emotionally invest.

“I’d expect the next one to be iPhone 0, a prequel showing how the iPhone came about, and then they’ll reboot the whole franchise and declare iPhones 3-5S to be no longer part of the official canon.”

Other mobile manufacturers are thought to be responding with big-budget sequels of their own for spring release, including HTC Two: Pig in the City and Samsung Galaxy S5: Assignment Miami Beach.

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I am utterly pathetic, says nagging voice in iPhone queuer's head

THE inner voice of a man queueing for the new iPhone is telling him that he needs to get his shit together.

38-year-old Tom Booker spent the night on the pavement of Oxford Street in the hope of purchasing a communication device.

Booker said: “I’m all about the 5S, with its awesome finger scanner.

“Even if it has sold out before I get one, this is still a memorable experience – there’s a real magic in the air.”

However the nagging voice of Logan’s subconscious mind told him: “What the fucking hell am I doing here?

“It all feels so wrong. How did my life end up like this?

“I am such a pathetic dupe, queueing like some Dickensian orphan for my dollop of corporate techno-gruel.

“If only I had a bit more self-esteem I might be able to resist the marketing.”

Logan continued: “Apple is more than just a brand, it’s a way of life, it’s inspirational.”

Meanwhile the voice in his head said: “I’m going to buy it, take it home, open it, tinker with it for a bit, and still my existence will have no meaning.

“I should be helping children in Africa or something. Somewhere in life I chose the wrong path, the stupid path.”