Couple solve all their problems by having a baby

A COUPLE have permanently solved all of their relationship issues by having a baby, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford and partner Tom Booker had been having some problems including lengthy arguments over minor domestic tasks, suspected infidelity and general dislike of each other, so they decided to have a child.

Bradford said: “We’d talked about splitting up. But then we realised we hadn’t even tried procreating.

“Now we have a baby everything’s great. Nobody needs an excuse to avoid sex and if I can’t stand the sight of Tom’s stupid face I can blame it on hormones.”

Booker agreed: “We’ve barely argued since we had the baby. We’re both too tired.

“Sure, one day he’ll stop screaming, or go off to school, or fly the nest and we’ll have to address our issues. Or we could just have another one!”

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Which patronising local greeting are you using?

ARE you fond of ‘authentic’ regional greetings that make you sound like a character from Coronation Street? Here’s a complete list from around the UK.


It’s unclear why the people of the Potteries refer to each other as waterfowl. Some linguists believe it is a version of ‘Duke’ but an alternative explanation is that Stokies simply have webbed feet.


Implying you are someone’s lover when you aren’t is already quite stalkerish, but saying it in a West Country accent makes you sound like Fred West.


Supremely irritating chirpy Northernism. Favoured by people who desperately want you to know they’re from the North and come across like Victoria Wood crossed with Brian Clough even though they are a fucking university lecturer.


Plymouth slang derived from Plymouthians deep – some would say too deep – love of the popular local seabird.


Norwich slang for ‘my dear good friend’. So widely used that locals will be deeply offended if you do not say things like: “Pint of Stella and a medium chardonnay, bastardo!”

Star Lord

Ubiquitous throughout North Wales, ‘Star Lord’ denotes friendliness or gratitude, as in the following exchange: “D’you want your fringe a bit shorter?”, “No, that’s just right, Star Lord.”

Massive shiteball

Originating in the west of Scotland, this greeting is used in all situations to show deep affection, eg. “Happy birthday, Nana, ya massive shiteball.”