Criminals who were hungry at the time to get pardons

PEOPLE who committed crimes while hungry are to be released from prison.

The landmark ruling follows the acquittal of 28-year-old Julian Cook who burned down a neighbour’s house after only having an orange for breakfast.

A High Court spokesman said: “As the advertising industry is constantly telling us, you are not yourself when you are hungry.

“Couple this with misguided government campaigns telling people to lose weight by eating less and you really cannot blame people for doing serious crimes like arson and murder.”

58-year-old Norman Steele robbed a dozen banks over a six month period after he stopped having crisps as a snack.

He said: “After I gave up my mid-morning bag of ready salted Walkers I found I was tetchy and constantly plotting detailed robberies. On a full stomach I don’t even like guns but while peckish I tend to brandish them.

“And if I don’t get a full night’s sleep I will definitely do some credit card fraud the next day.”

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Viewers think Wolf Hall is about modern people who dress weirdly

MOST people who watch period drama Wolf Hall think it is about modern-day mentally ill people who dress in colourful tights.

Wolf Hall fan Susan Traherne said: “It is a reality show about crazy people who wear avant-garde catwalk fashion and break into castles for parties.

“My favourite is the big ginger because of his stupid hat and pointy shoes. Hahaha what an idiot.

“You can’t really hear what they’re saying but it doesn’t matter because you are too pissing yourself at their ridiculous appearance. Although I hope they are locked up when the cameras stop, some of them have big swords.”

Wayne Hayes said: “My uncle says Wolf Hall is set in history but that is clearly rubbish because back in history people were monkeys. Also there were dragons everywhere.”