Tree is a government patsy, says internet

BLOGGERS have claimed that a tree involved in a bus crash was deliberately planted by the government. 

Reports that low branches ripped the roof off a London bus were debunked by commentators who claimed to have read eyewitness accounts of a special reinforced MI5 tree being used. 

Online blogger Sheeple69 said: “How can wood cut through metal – have you ever tried to split a chainsaw with a chopstick? Also, it was due on that part of the road six minutes earlier so why the delay? ‘They’ will tell you traffic congestion. 

“And here’s the head shot, as I like to call parts of my theories. There was 1 bus. The 91 bus. 9/11. Wake up and join the dots.”

Theories differ on why the hit was called, with the majority involving oil or lizards, but the online community are demanding answers to the questions they think are important.

Many want to know why the photo of the damaged bus does not include upstairs windows found on that model of Routemaster and why government departments keep hanging up on them when they phone them for the thirtieth time that day.

A group of passengers who offered to meet with bus-deniers were snubbed after blogger 1lluminat1 discovered one of them used to work for the council.

Sheeple69 said: “You carry on believing what the corporate media feed you but the 35 subscribers to my blog know the truth.”

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Boring conformity now a massive achievement

LEADING a dull suburban life with a mortgage and two children is now a phenomenal achievement, everyone has agreed.

Modern life has become so challenging that ‘averageness’ is now considered an ambition on a par with becoming an acclaimed novelist, professional sportsperson or successful entrepreneur.

Part-time barista Tom Logan said: “I know a guy who’s got a two bedroom semi, a Vauxhall Corsa and a fairly generous pension. To me he may as well be Alan Sugar.

“I’d love all the trappings of success, like a garden and 2.4 children at the local comprehensive, but the only way an ordinary person like me could afford all that is by winning the lottery or becoming a drug dealer.”

Economist Donna Sheridan said: “The dire state of the job market means that people who were once mocked for their unexciting careers are now, relatively speaking, incredibly successful.

“It’s increasingly common for attractive young women to go to nightclubs with the intention of bagging themselves an accountant or geography teacher.”

Factory supervisor Roy Hobbs said: “With my small detached house, ‘luxury’ caravan and three ISAs, I’m living the dream, although not a very interesting one.

“My advice is to have the purely coincidental good fortune to buy a house just before a massive property boom that fucks everyone else.”