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Dads struggling with return to normal life

DADS are struggling with normal life after 24 hours of unbridled Father’s Day self-indulgence.

After receiving incredible gifts like three craft ales in a gift box during a day devoted entirely to them, men are experiencing the oft-reported ‘Father’s Day Comedown’.

Father of two Stephen Malley said: “From getting a chocolate beer mug with my name on it, to being allowed to watch the poor new Mission Impossible film, yesterday was a non-stop rollercoaster of unbelievable thrills.

“But today it’s like my family are virtual strangers again. I’m even wondering if the ‘Dad In A Million’ card I got was intended ironically.”

Solicitor Joseph Turner said: “My daughters took me to a steam fair. I saw men race lawnmowers, I saw monster trucks, I saw a model of The Flying Scotsman constructed from more than 750,000 matchsticks.

“It was the greatest day of my life. But now my world feels like a prison.”

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “Getting a card that describes you as the ‘world’s greatest dad’ is an incredible rush.

“Then it’s Monday and you’re not the greatest in the world at anything any more – you’re just a twat with a bad back.

“Dads must find the strength to keep going with their normal routine. Go to work, have a brief conversation while eating and then stick on Call of Duty until everyone else has gone to bed.”

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What I'm hoping to get from the statutory inquiry into grooming gangs, by a wildly unrealistic right-wing man

FINALLY Starmer has bowed to public pressure and set up a national inquiry into grooming gangs. And from there, believes Martin Bishop, these actions are inevitable: 

The truth revealed

If a crime’s committed, it’s not by a white man. Come on. That’s common sense. And if they’re not white they’re an immigrant, even if they were born here and so were their parents, and if they’re an immigrant they’re an Islam and if they’re an Islam they’re a terrorist. The government must think we’re stupid.

Racism made law

With these gangs, it’s being foreign. There are white ones but they’re just copying to be cool like Ali G. We need to recognise that being non-white is in itself a criminal condition to which deportation is a compassionate cure. Let’s get that on the statute book and none of this representative democracy business getting in the way.

The government toppled

Obviously. Every single member of this Labour government is actively covering up grooming scandals at all times. When Starmer was a prosecutor he wouldn’t prosecute anyone, not for five years. Didn’t want to seem prejudiced, you see. Anyway they’ll all have to go for these scandals that technically took place when the Tories were in.

Hotels burned down

Once we’ve shipped all the asylums out, I’m not a monster, but the lads in the summer of 2024 were denied their right as Englishmen to burn down hotels and I think that’s a bloody shame. They had their dander up but were stopped by police who knew they were in the wrong. So full apology and get them torched. The rebuild will help the economy.

No more cover-ups

And what I mean by ‘cover-up’ is ‘reality not aligning with the wildest speculations on social media’. A public trawling Twitter until they find an explanation that fits their pre-existing correct prejudices far outstrips the usefulness of any police force. They need to find the most bigoted bloke on each force and make him head of CID. For our local one it’s Nigel.

Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson, eh? Right all along. Could make him a judge, could make him Grand Vizier to King Charles, could make him Christmas number one. Up to him really, he’s earned that. Without him martyring himself this enquiry would never have happened. He’s saved Britain. If he wants to replace Churchill in history books I’m alright with that.

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