Dads struggling with return to normal life

DADS are struggling with normality after 24 hours of unbridled self-indulgence.

After receiving incredible gifts like three craft ales in a gift box during a day devoted entirely to them, men are experiencing the oft-reported ‘Father’s Day Comedown’.

Father of two Stephen Malley said: “From getting a chocolate beer mug with my name on it, to being allowed to watch the poor new Die Hard film, yesterday was a non-stop rollercoaster of unbelievable thrills.

“But today it’s like my family are virtual strangers again. I’m even wondering if the ‘Dad In A Million’ card I got was intended ironically.”

Solicitor Joseph Turner said: “My daughters took me to a steam fair. I saw men race lawnmowers, I saw monster trucks, I saw a model of The Flying Scotsman constructed from more than 750,000 matchsticks.

“It was the greatest day of my life. But now my world feels like a prison.”

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “Getting a card that describes you as the ‘world’s greatest dad’ is an incredible rush.

“Then it’s Monday and you’re not the greatest in the world at anything any more – you’re just a twat with a bad back.”

“Dads must find the strength to keep going with their normal routine. Go to work, have a brief conversation while eating and then stick on Call of Duty until everyone else has gone to bed.”

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Taxi drivers attend all-night mellow music festival

THOUSANDS of taxi drivers are returning from Cabfest, the drive-in mellow music festival.

The drive-in festival, held in a secret location ‘south of the river’, featured relaxing music in 20-minute blocks interspersed with phone-in discussions about immigration.

Acts were kept at a level loud enough to so you could follow the tune but quiet enough to hear yourself bloody think.

Cabbie Norman Steele from Surrey said: “That bloke who does Walking In Memphis was doing Walking In Memphis, Richard Marx did Hazzard, and Savage Garden played that one, you know, you’d know it if you heard it.”

Other stages included the One Hit Heroes tent, featuring Deep Blue Something and 4 Non Blondes, and the World Music stage with Neneh Cherry & Youssou N’Dour and Paul Young & Zucchero.

Most popular was the hour-long LoveBlock from 4am to 5am, which caused many of the audience to text their wives fondly.

Yorkshire minicab driver Stephen Malley said: “Proper music you can tap your feet to it was, though they did have some new stuff like that bird who was on the X-Factor a few years back. You remember her, nice-looking black girl.

“And they had the news on every hour, because you need to know what’s going on in the world.

“It was a very nice night it was mate, very nice. Who was the highlight? Can’t tell you mate. To be honest I talked all the way through it.”