Friday, 3rd July 2020

'Do I have to go to the f**king zoo?': Your guide to getting back to normal

ARE you confused by the government’s weird and disjointed plans for returning to normal? Here are your questions answered as best we can.

Can I have sex now? 

Yes and no. You can go over to your partner’s as long as one of you lives alone. So if you’ve both got housemates they’re not only a pain in the arse with their mountain bikes and passive-aggressive kitchen notes, they’re stopping you getting a shag. 

What is a ‘support bubble’?

It appears to be a euphemism for sexual intercourse. It’s not entirely clear, but at least it’s less toe-curling than ‘Burying the beef bayonet’ or ‘Exploring Punarnia’. 

So how will they work?

Once you’re in a bubble – which are for single parents with children but not multiple occupancy dwellers – you can’t switch bubbles. Grandparents can be in a bubble, but only if one of them is dead. The bubble will self-isolate if COVID symptoms emerge and multiple bubbles are forbidden. All clear? Good.

When, for the love of Christ, are the kids going back to school? 

September. Unless the second wave hits due to the confusing nature of all the government’s previous advice. Basically you’re going to be trapped at home with them in a bitter, fractious relationship for the rest of your life, like Steptoe and Son.

Do I have to go to the zoo?

Yes, because hardly anywhere else is open. If you like trudging around for hours staring at clinically depressed tigers while your children try to bankrupt you at the gift shop, you’re in for a treat. You can also go to a drive-in cinema because sitting in a Fiat 500 is how films were meant to be enjoyed.

Is this all just hastily cobbled-together bollocks?

Yes. But don’t worry, it’ll be different next week.