'Do I have to go to the f**king zoo?': Your guide to getting back to normal

ARE you confused by the government’s weird and disjointed plans for returning to normal? Here are your questions answered as best we can.

Can I have sex now? 

Yes and no. You can go over to your partner’s as long as one of you lives alone. So if you’ve both got housemates they’re not only a pain in the arse with their mountain bikes and passive-aggressive kitchen notes, they’re stopping you getting a shag. 

What is a ‘support bubble’?

It appears to be a euphemism for sexual intercourse. It’s not entirely clear, but at least it’s less toe-curling than ‘Burying the beef bayonet’ or ‘Exploring Punarnia’. 

So how will they work?

Once you’re in a bubble – which are for single parents with children but not multiple occupancy dwellers – you can’t switch bubbles. Grandparents can be in a bubble, but only if one of them is dead. The bubble will self-isolate if COVID symptoms emerge and multiple bubbles are forbidden. All clear? Good.

When, for the love of Christ, are the kids going back to school? 

September. Unless the second wave hits due to the confusing nature of all the government’s previous advice. Basically you’re going to be trapped at home with them in a bitter, fractious relationship for the rest of your life, like Steptoe and Son.

Do I have to go to the zoo?

Yes, because hardly anywhere else is open. If you like trudging around for hours staring at clinically depressed tigers while your children try to bankrupt you at the gift shop, you’re in for a treat. You can also go to a drive-in cinema because sitting in a Fiat 500 is how films were meant to be enjoyed.

Is this all just hastily cobbled-together bollocks?

Yes. But don’t worry, it’ll be different next week.

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Six genres of music you can listen to now you're middle-aged

DO you no longer have to impress people with your taste in music because you’re middle-aged and inarguably uncool? Here are some banging genres to enjoy without shame: 

Soft rock

No teenager could ever let their peers, especially of the opposite sex, know they listened to Foreigner. But now you’ve lost your virginity and in fact have kids, so crank up Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone and pretend your people carrier is an F-14 Tomcat.

Theme tunes

Theme tunes are music for people who like being reminded of watching telly. But now you don’t care, fill your boots with The Equalizer, Black Beauty, Blake’s 7, Miami Vice and, if you have no shame at all, Howard’s Way, The A-Team and Are You Being Served?

The Worst of Rave

Iisn’t it sort of cool to listen to dance music and prove you were once a pill-popping rebel? Not if it’s Urban Hype’s A Trip to Trumpton or similar Deep Heat favourites. All together now: ‘There’s a guy in the place with a bittersweet face and he goes by the name of Ebenezer Goode…’

Non-credible rap music

Dropping your kids off at school with Public Enemy’s By the Time I Get to Arizona blaring might earn you more kudos. But sod it, you’re 47 and driving a Kia Sportage so if you fancy some DMX don’t be afraid to inform unsuspecting mums and children that X gonna give it to them.


The Swedish supergroup merit their own genre due to their prolific output of well-crafted cheesy pop-disco. Now you are old and without embarrassment, weep as you sing along to The Winner Takes It All. 

80s crap

Glory of Love by Peter Cetera, You’re The Voice by John Farnham and to really push the tastelessness envelope, Butlins stalwart Shakin’ Stevens. Turn up the computer speakers and brazenly tell your kids you are ‘rocking out to Shaky’. You earn the money so they can f**k off.