Thursday, 13th May 2021

Do you need to drive up a residential street at 53mph or are you a massive wanker?

ARE you speeding to rescue a child from a burning building or does going really fast for 40 metres make you feel like Vin Diesel, knobhead? Find out: 

What sort of car do you have?

A) An ambulance with a siren and flashing lights
B) A Nissan Skyline R33 with carbon-blade spoiler which I think makes me look sexy and dangerous but is in fact a very clear indication I’m a twat

Where are you going?

A) To an ongoing hostage situation, to a man suffering a cardiac infarction, or to a time-bomb the red numbers of which are already on 0:58
B) To the local corner shop to buy a can of Monster

Who are your passengers?

A) My partner in the police force who was one day from retirement, took a bullet to the lung and is bleeding out
B) My mates Kev and Dave who don’t have licences anymore because they’ve been banned for reenacting Baby Driver on the A46 through Nailsworth

What music is playing in your vehicle?

A) No music, just a shortwave radio keeping me abreast of life-or-death situations to respond to
B) F**k Tha Police by NWA with as much bass as possible. Although when I got pulled over by the actual police I struggled not to soil myself

What do you hope pedestrians are thinking about you?

A) I hope they’re keeping out of my damn way, because I only have two minutes to save the city, the Lord Mayor and my pregnant wife!
B) ‘Wow, that guy must be super cool and have a massive penis,’ though oddly their facial expressions seem to say ‘What an annoying dickhead’


Mostly As: Fair enough.

Mostly Bs: You’re a massive wanker.