Five spontaneous romantic acts that won't save your relationship

LOVE life on the rocks? Need a quick fix? Try these romantic acts of spontaneity that will not help at all.

Go on a picnic

A lovely outdoor meal on a sunny evening sounds like the perfect way to reignite the spark. And it would be if you didn’t pack an unimpressive meal deal from Tesco and accidentally lay your blanket on a dog shit. If there’s a signal in the park, decide to cut your losses and download Tinder.

Buy a gift ‘just because’

Giving your partner a surprise gift will immediately arouse suspicion. First they’ll wonder what you’ve done wrong, then they’ll come to the conclusion that you’re shagging that co-worker you’re always talking about. Which is ridiculous, because they’re way out of your league and already turned you down at a Christmas party.

Have a weekend getaway

Booking a last-minute holiday will inevitably lead to disappointment. The hotel room will be too small, the towels will be dirty, and it will rain constantly. After a couple of days alone in each other’s company, you’ll realise you have nothing in common and drive home in uncomfortable silence.

Move in together

Asking someone to move in with you during a rare moment of romantic bliss isn’t uncommon, but the ending is always the same. If the ordeal of boxing up your possessions doesn’t ruin the momentum, then arguing over who sorts out the council tax will sound the death knell for your time together.

Get married

The last roll of the dice for the desperate romantic. You’ll get so wrapped up in the flurry of planning that you’ll only realise you made a mistake on your wedding night, and by then it’s too late. You’re stuck with each other until you can be arsed to get divorced.

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Achieving spiritual enlightenment: Five things easier than getting a mortgage

WANT to buy a house but can’t face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.

Achieve spiritual enlightenment

Reaching a spiritual understanding of the universe is a lifelong pursuit that involves killing your ego and confronting your fears. And while it sounds like a chore, it’s a doddle compared to going through old bank statements and breaking down how much you spend on biscuits each month.

Get blood from a stone

This could be either metaphorically or literally. Extracting information from a stubborn person and trying to wring bodily fluids from a rock are difficult in their own unique ways, yet both take less effort than prising house keys from a solicitor’s wizened hands.

Invent a perpetual motion machine

You’ll run into a few roadblocks with this one, most noticeably the immutable laws of physics and your profound ignorance of science. Keep at it though, because you’ll probably invent an infinite source of free energy much sooner than you’ll save up enough money to buy a bedsit in Zone 6.

Make peace with your enemies

Offering an olive branch to the many people you hold petty grudges against is one of the hardest things you can do as a human being. As well as swallowing your pride you have to pretend to be a bigger person, but it’s still a breeze next to the Herculean task of convincing your parents to help with a deposit.

Climb Mount Everest

Scaling the world’s tallest mountain requires immense physical and mental stamina, plus it takes bloody ages and there’s a good chance it could kill you. This is exactly how the mortgage application process feels, and all you get at the end of it is a falling-down shithole to throw money at forever.