47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

Joanna Kramer lives in mortal dread of her mum bollocking her upon discovering she has a secret 20-a-day habit.

Kramer said: “There is nothing on this earth more terrifying than getting a severe telling off from your mum, or even just a look of pure, unadulterated disapproval. I don’t care how old you are.

“I cover my habit when I visit her by sucking a shitload of mints so my breath is fresh. It seems to work, but I suspect she thinks I have a weird obsession with Polos.”

Margaret Kramer said: “Of course I know she smokes, I have since she was a teenager. Her clothes reek of fags and the excuse ‘I was standing next to a smoker’ is even less convincing now she’s a middle-aged solicitor.

“But then she has no idea her real dad isn’t who she thinks he is, so we both have our dirty little secrets.”

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Six toys kids will play with for five minutes

WANT to amuse your children for up to 300 seconds? Buy them one of these hot items: 


You yearned for a lightsaber when you were a kid. You dreamed about one. But your children aren’t into Star Wars because the new films are tedious and will hit their lightsabers against each other for around three minutes before leaving them, still gently buzzing, on the ground.

Some kind of robot

‘Over six billion different interactions’, the adverts claim, ‘will delight kids for days’. So in the hope of some peace and quiet you bought one and spent two hours setting it up and downloading the inevitable app. Turns out it does around six things which entertain for way fewer than six minutes.


What child wouldn’t love a drone? Surely only one without preternatural motor skills capable of making tiny movements on a joystick to control a vehicle in three dimensions while taking wind speed into account. After zooming off uncontrollably a few times, not worth the trouble of retrieving from next door’s rose bush.

Laser tag

All the fun of visiting Laser Quest in your own home, without teenagers who secure key sniping positions and spend the whole game racking up points off you. But your kids end up shooting each other at point-blank range, then hitting each other with the guns, then getting the guns taken off them with 90 seconds still on the clock.

Enormous Lego kit

Fun to build, great to look at, impossible to play with. So delicate that all the bits fall off the minute it’s picked up, so complex you can’t piece it back together without consulting the instructions. Was Lego always like this? Or have adults ruined it, like everything else?

Nerf guns

In all honesty the kids could have hours of fun with these if given free rein. But adults swiftly tire of being shot, it turns out, especially with a belt-fed repeater that delivers 30 shots per minute each hard enough to break a flat-screen telly.