Downstairs toilet not for shitting in

A WOMAN has explained to her husband and two sons that the downstairs toilet is not suitable for them to do shits in. 

Joanna Kramer was visibly distressed at the necessity of explaining that the loo under the stairs is for urination not defecation, which she expected would be obvious.

She continued: “Yes, it’s a toilet. But it’s a toilet mere yards away from the kitchen. And there’s an old phrase about not doing number twos where you eat, yes?

“It’s only a short trip up the stairs to the family bathroom, which has an extractor fan and a window you can open and a Glade plug-in, so I think it would be much nicer if we went there from now on, yes? Every time. No exceptions.”

She added privately: “I’m trying to watch Vera and they’re in there shitting like f**king beasts? Not in my f**king house.

“The smell drifts into the kitchen, it drifts into the lounge, and what if someone nice comes round? What do I say, ‘Welcome to my house of shit’? Dirty bastards.”

Husband Simon Kramer said: “Point taken. From now on, I’ll dump in our en-suite.”

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Man makes error of joining in with girlfriend's joke about her hair

A MAN has made the foolish mistake of joining in on his girlfriend’s self-deprecating joke about how terrible her hair looks.

Jack Browne made the misjudged comment after Hannah Tomlinson complained about her hair and made an unflattering comparison between herself and a fictional villain.

Browne said: “Hannah mentioned that her bob had grown out to a weird length that makes her look like Severus Snape. So I said, ‘Yeah, you look like you should be brewing potions in a dungeon. And also a bit evil.’

“Rather than laugh, she responded with a stony silence. She would have found it hilarious if I’d said it about her mum. Women are so unpredictable.”

Hannah Tomlinson said: “Everyone knows that when your girlfriend says her hair looks shit you disagree with her, not join in.

“I replied by saying if he really thought I was that disgusting, I might as well start dating his best mate instead.

“He didn’t like that. Men really have no sense of humour.”