Five heartwarming ideas for dealing with asylum seekers, by Priti Patel

HI, I’m Priti Patel. People think I’m a bully but I have a nice side too. Here are some empathetic ideas for managing asylum seekers that sound better than ‘send them to the Isle of Man’.

Make them participate in reality TV shows

My initial idea was to remake Love Island as Asylum Island but sadly Gibraltar said no. Another possibility is Priti’s Place in the Sun, which will show immigrants all the other locations they might like to live that aren’t Britain.

Send them a Cameo message from Nigel Farage

Processing asylum seekers is a costly business and it would be cheaper to pay Nigel Farage £63.75 a pop to send them all a personalised welcome message. It’s guaranteed to make them want to run as fast as they can to another country – any country – that doesn’t have him in it.

Fire them to Mars in a big rocket

Mars is probably a more habitable environment than the nasty army barracks I’ve recently been keeping people in, plus they now have that little rover robot there to show them the ropes. And if they can get back to Britain unaided, they can stay. I’m firm, but I’m fair.

Build a massive wall

If they can’t get here in the first place I don’t have to worry about getting rid of them again. A lovely, British dry stone wall around the entire coast should do it. It worked for Donald Trump. Nearly.

Shout at them and call them names

If all else fails, I’ll revert to my fail-safe plan for getting rid of people I don’t like: shouting, swearing and belittling. It will take a while for me to personally abuse every single one of them, but, my god, I’ll enjoy it.

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Deluded husband believes himself good at foreplay

A WOMAN is at a loss over how to break it to her husband that he has been crap at foreplay for the last nine years.

Helen Bishop initially did not mention his ineptitude due to not wanting to crush his confidence, and now feels too much water has passed under the bridge for her to say anything.

She said: “During the honeymoon phase I was prepared to overlook it as I thought he’d improve with practise, but after the eleventh time he mistook my belly button for my clitoris I started to worry.

“I’ve made a rod for my own back though by not talking about it, as now he makes reference to his ‘legendary moves’ despite the fact that one of those moves is taking his socks off.

“Sometimes he refers to himself as a ‘love machine’ and what I want to say is ‘Do you know what a real love machine is, Martin? It’s a vibrator.’

“‘And because of your ham-fisted lovemaking, I own six of them.'”