Drugs report delivered as dance track

GOVERNMENT experts have delivered a report on drugs policy as a rap over a housey beat.

The report/club track by the UK Drug Policy Commission, entitled Decriminalise (It Ain’t No Worse Than A Burger), is produced by 90s dance act Utah Saints.

On the track, which compresses six years’ research into one piece of 12-inch vinyl, commission chair Dame Ruth Runciman raps: “160,000 getting warnings for puff / Mr Lawman, you’re being too tuff.

“Free up the herb, kick criminal sanctions to the kerb.

“Replace them with mandatory attendance of a drug awareness session / That’s right yo.”

Fellow UKDPC member Professor John Strang then chips in: “Ah yeah.

“Ah, ah, ah, ah yeah.”

Drugs counsellor Nikki Hollis said: “I think the rap-based report makes some well-considered points, although it somewhat undermines its legitimacy with a pointless guest vocal from Lindy Layton of Beats International fame.

“And you can’t really say Dame Runciman has got mad flow. In fact, she’s pretty shit.”



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You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ’s sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

The Institute for Studies found that most people in Britain are covered in their own faeces and said it was now moving its headquarters to Zurich.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Get the fuck away from me.”

He added: “If you are in a meeting today be aware that the person sitting across from you has probably just been for a shit without washing their hands and that they are thinking exactly the same thing about you.

“Meanwhile, you have all just shaken hands so their shit is now on you and your shit is now on them.

“But don’t let that distract you from your important business.”

Professor Brubaker continued: “Why can’t you just wash your hands? Why, in the name of God, can you not just wash your hands?

“Presumably you can see the sinks all lined up when you come out of the cubicle. Perhaps you think they’re a special kind of toilet for people who prefer to defecate three feet off the ground.

“Don’t touch me.”