Cath Kidston unveils nuclear war-themed collection

DESIGNER Cath Kidston’s winter collection merges rustic chic with nuclear war imagery.

In the surprisingly bleak ‘Nuclear Winter’ collection, Kidston’s trademark ‘rose’ print will be replaced by a pattern of grotesquely mutated embryos with single bulging eyes and lumpy, protruding foreheads.

Cath Kidston said: “While pottering around the bucolic splendour of my Cotswolds home, I came to contemplate the extinction of human life in a sea of atomic fire.

“Recent world events suggest that as far as nuclear destruction goes, it’s not ‘when’ but ‘if’.

“I’ve reflected this sense of unavoidable doom in a series of effortlessly feminine mutant fetus-patterned dresses, mushroom cloud tablecloths and radiation-proof ‘forever bags’.”

Kidston’s high street stores will be remodelled to reflect the aftermath of a nuclear strike, with shattered windows, charred human remains and members of staff on fire.

Middle-aged woman Emma Bradford said: “At first I was a bit shocked, but the tiny screaming faces are done in such a way they actually look very pretty.

“I shall be wearing my mutant fetus dress to a spa pamper day this weekend.”



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Everyone creepy in the 80s

ALL men alive in the 80s were sordid, creepy perverts, it has emerged.

Research into the barely remembered decade has revealed that Jimmy Savile was just a product of his time, rather like a Tintin book with tribesmen in it.

TV presenter Tom Logan hosted the popular 80s teatime show Pervy Time. He said: “I would get the bus to work, and by the time it arrived I’d have fondled everyone on it.

“Well at least all the women and children – I’m not a poofter. The point is, it was as normal as tea bags.”

Paedophilia was also entirely acceptable at the time, with events like Nonce of the Year being hosted at the Royal Albert Hall. The 80s also saw the arrival of the seminal pervert-themed arcade game Trouser Invaders.

48-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I’d always remembered the 80s as being not wildly dissimilar to now, except for Pacer Mints and Big Trak.

“Now I realise I had false memories implanted by Stuart Maconie-based TV list shows.

“Actually I spent the whole decade lurking in a bush, waiting for sexual prey.”