Ed Miliband owes Britain £900m

ED Miliband cost Britain the best part of a billion pounds yesterday.

The Labour leader’s brave, popular stance against RBS bonuses led directly to the bank losing £900m of its value as investors reckoned that if Ed Miliband was calling the shots they may as well buy shares in a mangled badger.

Nathan Muir, head of strategic investment at Madeley Finnegan, said: “Like everyone in Britain we would like the value of RBS shares to go, what is known in the financial industry as, ‘up’.

”Sustained ‘upness’ means taxpayers will eventually get their money back while pensions and savings accounts will achieve a wonderful upness of their own.

“Unfortunately ‘uposity’ is very difficult once a bank gets heavily Milibanded. It makes being Goodwined feel like being Buffetted.”

Miliband is now the third most expensive Labour leader behind James Callaghan on £2.3bn and Gordon Brown on everything.

But Miliband has been awarded a bonus for costing Britain a huge amount of money while not even being in power

Meanwhile, in a bid to overtake Callaghan, Miliband is now calling for RBS to come under the control of the department for communities and local government.

A Labour spokesman said: “Before the bank makes even the smallest investment decision it will have to focus group it to make sure ‘the people’ think it’s a good idea.

”Then the investment choices will have to certified as ECHR compatible and pass an occupational health and safety assessment.

”Then, and only then, can we all sit down together and ask ‘how will this decision affect women?’.”

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Number of people going to university almost back to where it should be

THE number of young people going to university could soon be the same as
the number of young people who should be going to university, it has
been confirmed.

Latest figures from UCAS show a steep year-on-year decline as more school leavers realise that just because universities exist it does not mean they automatically have to go to one of them.

A spokesman said: “It seems the prospect of £9,000 a year in fees has made many people realise that university is actually quite an important thing to do.

“So if you are going to spend that kind of money you should probably mean it.”

Roy Hobbs, professor of university studies at Roehampton University, said: “Over the last 20 years public policy has been focused on finding new ways for young people to do nothing.

“It now seems that one of the ways of doing nothing is being priced out of the market. It may sound like science fiction, but perhaps in 20 years time young people will get proper jobs after doing something.”

Wayne Hayes, 19, from Stevenage, said: “It occurred to me that universities should be about academic excellence rather than giving me somewhere to stand around quoting the Mighty Boosh for three years.

“I am not remotely interested in any of the things that are taught at university and so I’ve decided to offer my services free to a local business for 18 months where I can get some experience, learn how to do an actual thing and not spend twenty-seven grand so some bonged-up nonce with a doctorate can teach me how to watch television.”

The UCAS spokesman added: “As long as this trend continues we may also see the number of universities drop to below a million.”