Electric Collars Work, Say Call Centre Managers

EMPLOYERS say they are experiencing positive results after fitting their workers with shock-inducing electric collars.

The remote control, charged collars are designed to deliver a 'significant but non-fatal' jolt to subordinates who are under-performing, slow to learn or simply unlikeable.

Insurance call centre manager Tom Logan said: "The collars have improved performance significantly. And made my job more fun.

"I sit at a sort of console, where each numbered button corresponds to a cubicle. When I press one the relevant drone pops up like a pained gopher with a pathetic but gratifying yelp, and then jitters around in a puppet-like fashion before collapsing to the floor, often in a pool of his or her own urine.

"Of course it doesn't do them any harm, it's just how they learn. It's like the carrot and the stick, the stick being quite a lot of pain and the carrot being not getting thrown onto the street  to rake through the bins and sleep under a tramp."

He added: "Before I was just a regional sales manager, now I am a merciless deity, and my minions dare not displease me or they shall feel my bottomless wrath. Would you like a Hobnob?"

Telesales operating unit Wayne Hayes said: "I have become a doubly incontinent, semi-human thing.

"But on the plus side, at least I feel something during the course of my monotonous, soul-grinding day, even if it is just a series of increasingly painful electric shocks."

He added: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! FUCK! Sorry, what I meant to say was 'I think it's helped me to become more customer-focused'."


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Zola To Go And Live On A Farm, Says West Ham

GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.

Chairman David Gold told worried fans that while the little chap is looking a bit fragile he will soon perk up when he gets in the back of the car.

Gold said: "Franco is a bit sickly, but I swear to you I am not going to take him out back and put a shotgun between those lovely, big eyes. It would be like machine-gunning Dougal from Father Ted."

He insisted that Zola really, really was going to live on a farm, unlike Alan Pardew who was given to a shelter but eventually had to be put down after that thing he said on Match of the Day.

But while results on the pitch have been disappointing this season, sales of fluffy Zola dolls have provided an unexpected source of revenue for the club as they are snapped up by teenage girls.

Co-owner David Sullivan said: "We're used to the merchandise shop having the occasional market trader in there buying a woollen hat to keep the wind off his bonce.

"But since we started making the little Zola dolls it's been rammed with Japanese schoolgirls, some of whom are very promising."

He added: "Proper cute these dolls, mind. You pull a string in their back and they have loads of different phrases like 'I'm trying to get the team playing attractive football' and 'please don't fire me'. Adorable."