Employers will hire any f*ckwit if they went to a fancy school

BOSSES have confirmed they want to hire people who attended fancy schools, even if they are utter morons.

Marketing company boss Norman Steele said: “I am the worst sort of aspirational tosspot, which means that as soon as a Harrovian’s CV lands on my desk I am frothing at the chance to fawn over them.

“I built this firm up from nothing because I have a massive sense of class inferiority.”

Local newspaper editor Tom Booker said: “There are some things that are just inherent to an old Etonian, like a lovely complexion.

“Even if they completely and utterly fuck everything up, they do it in the charming manner of a hapless character in a British romantic comedy.

“Some of my low to mid-level staff went to comprehensives and they’re fine but you always worry that they might bite you for no reason, like those square-headed dogs they all adore.

“And they don’t appreciate cigars, at least not on any meaningful level.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Anyone going abroad assumed to be buying sex

ANYONE who leaves the UK for leisure or business is really on a sex trip, it has been decided.

As a new study revealed one in 10 British men have paid for sex, often in foreign countries, everyone assumed the real number is much higher and includes the entire population.

Julian Cook, a man from Stevenage who never travels, said: “I didn’t have time to read the report, but it confirms my long-held suspicions about people who go on ‘holiday’.

“All foreign countries are massive brothels. All the adverts on CNN are just foreign countries promoting their sex trade, except they cover it up with slogans like ‘Malaysia: Land of Opportunities’.

“Yes – opportunities for depravity.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “I go to Cambodia twice a year to volunteer at a village school.

“And I have a lot of sex with young Australian men who’ve spent all their money on weed.”