Even Jesus judgey about advent calendars without chocolate

EVEN Jesus Christ judges people who buy chocolate-free advent calendars, it has been confirmed. 

The messiah is delighted that everyone is counting down to his birthday, but strongly disapproves of those who believe that opening a door to see a picture is enough.

He said: “My vibe is totally ‘goodwill to all men’, but you don’t have to be tight about it.

“How enthused can anyone really be about baby Jesus when all they’re getting is a picture of a star or a bauble or something?

“The least people deserve is a nice chocolate, like a classic Cadbury’s advent calendar, though I’ve no objections to a fancy Lindt or Hotel Chocolat one. It’s Christmas, for Christ’s sake.”

Jesus added there is no harm in Lego advent calendars for the kids or booze-based ones for grown-ups, but those beauty calendars with make-up inside could ‘f*ck right off’.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Fancy man eats vegetables

A FANCY man eats vegetables for lunch, it has emerged.

Tom Logan expresses his moral and social superiority through the diverse palette of colours on his plate.

Logan said: “I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m just eating quinoa and lentils with a mix of grilled veggies.

“It’s not my problem if you guys don’t know what sweet potatoes are. Good luck living your life without batch cooking.”

Logan’s friend Martin Bishop said: “Look at Mr Fancyman, mindfully enjoying his aubergine so he can clean out his body from toxins or whatever.

“What’s for pudding, fancyman? A nectarine? Piss off.”