Everyone must like everything

PEOPLE who don’t like everything must have something wrong with them, it has been confirmed.

New research has found that all music, art, opinions, religion, places, anything anyone posts on the internet and indeed any activity currently occurring are brilliant.

Anyone who doesn’t like everything is just bitter.

Psychologist Emma Bradford said: “Some might say everyone is being nice about everything out of some pathetic attempt at self-advancement, or because we exist in a marketing-driven culture where substance counts for nothing.

“Others might argue this overwhelming positivity exists because it is no longer enough to simply turn up at a job and do it, you have to be deliriously passionate about whatever it is you do, which causes a type of insanity.

“But those haters are wrong, well not wrong because nobody can be wrong about anything but differently right.”

Bradford cited music festivals, boutique camping, friends’ recently renovated houses and babies as examples of things that are unimpeachably amazing.

29-year-old Tom Booker said: “I’m really open-minded and eclectic, so I appreciate everything.

“Even comedy songs about rape. They’re funny. And animals that have just been run over. They’re cute.

“I’m going on a trip soon to a jungle, which will be amazing, then I’m running in a marathon – also amazing – then eating some amazing food.

“Everything is awesome, even the feeling that sometimes my life is a hollow charade of thinly-veiled narcissism, that’s awesome too, just because it exists.”

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Zuckerberg dies turning Facebook back on

MARK Zuckerberg has sacrificed himself to make Facebook work again.

After the social network went down, Zuckerberg led a team into the vast labyrinth of tunnels beneath Facebook HQ, discovering that to fix the problem one person would have to enter the website’s radioactive core.

Facebook employee Tom Logan said: “Somehow a dead bird had gotten wedged between the nuclear-powered servers, triggering a meltdown.

“Mark knew doing the reboot was a one way journey. He refused a protective suit, as he was fully aware that it could not stop his organs liquefying.

“As the door slid shut behind him, he turned and gave a thumbs up through the hatch. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Internet user Tom Logan said: “That’s cool but I was momentarily inconvenienced so fuck him and Facebook, I’m 100 per cent Twitter now.”