Everything gentrification

EVERYTHING is now gentrification, including attempts to stop gentrification.

Hairdresser Helen Archer was accused of abetting the gentrification of her community when she tried to protest plans to turn a derelict pub into boutique flats for awful people.

Archer, of Hackney Citizens Against Gentrification, said: “Apparently, residents’ associations are very trendy these days, and using direct action to confront property developers might lead to us being mistaken for a collective of Japanese fashion photographers.

“Leafleting nearby streets is gentrification, writing to the council is definitely gentrification, and starting a blog about the destruction of local history is exactly the sort of thing a tosser in a corduroy waistcoat would do.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute of Studies, said: “Once the gentrification of a deprived area has begun, everything that happens there is evidence of its transformation into a pretentious haven for entitled bastards.

“The pop-up cycle boutiques and organic juice salons are coming. They will come if you accept gentrification. They will come if you fight gentrification. Nothing can stop them.

“Talking about gentrification is also gentrification, and so is reading about it, so this one’s on you too.”

Dad in weird mood since 2004

A 54-YEAR-OLD man has been in a bit of a mood for the past 17 years, his family has noticed.

Engineer Roy Hobbs has seemed reluctant to spend time with family members for the last decade or so, preferring to be in the shed or slumped in his chair with a can of lager and a forbidding look on his face.

Son Paul Hobbs said: “Come to think of it, dad has seemed a bit pissed off since a few years after I was born.

“Maybe something happened near the start of the 20th century that annoyed him.

“I suppose we could ask him but that might just make it worse. I sometimes hear whistling from the shed so he seems to be okay when he’s on his own.”

Hobbs’s wife Linda said: “He was quite chirpy during the 90s. He’s probably just hungry.”