A CHRISTMAS tree fairy would rather not have a needle-covered branch right up her skirt, it has emerged.
Fairy Eleanor Shaw, who has spent the last 12 months in an attic, just hopes that the Norway spruce branch in her most delicate parts is increasing the gaiety of Yuletide.
She continued: “Does nobody else find the ‘tree up fairy fanny’ thing a bit weird? It’s like some disturbing Japanese comic.
“I could just be tied to the tree with a bit of string around my waist. That would work perfectly well and nobody would need to get chafed.
“Also the lights inside my clothing are those new LED type so not only are they very hot, the brightness makes sleep impossible.
“Still, I could be like all the soldiers and angels and snowmen lower down, hanging by a noose around their necks, lifelessly twisting in the breeze for your seasonal joy.”
Shaw added: “It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.”