Fairy ‘just delighted’ about tree up fanny

A CHRISTMAS tree fairy would rather not have a needle-covered branch right up her skirt, it has emerged.

Fairy Eleanor Shaw, who has spent the last 12 months in an attic, just hopes that the Norway spruce branch in her most delicate parts is increasing the gaiety of Yuletide.

She continued: “Does nobody else find the ‘tree up fairy fanny’ thing a bit weird? It’s like some disturbing Japanese comic.

“I could just be tied to the tree with a bit of string around my waist. That would work perfectly well and nobody would need to get chafed.

“Also the lights inside my clothing are those new LED type so not only are they very hot, the brightness makes sleep impossible.

“Still, I could be like all the soldiers and angels and snowmen lower down, hanging by a noose around their necks, lifelessly twisting in the breeze for your seasonal joy.”

Shaw added: “It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The arguments for and against rail strikes

ARE train drivers right to strike, or are they just in a mood?

As Southern rail enters its second day of strikes, drivers claim they are protesting safety risks caused by staff cutbacks, whereas bosses say they should just stop moaning and open the fucking doors.

Do you agree with the strikes? Here are both sides of the argument.


Train companies obviously bastards so it’s good to see them suffer, even if I am suffering more.

I support anything that prevents me getting to work.

Train conductor once found me hiding in disabled toilet without a ticket but let me off.

I must be kept safe at all times, like a special jewel, even if I basically do nothing but eat food and watch telly.

It’s good to have a new social group to hate.

Could meet sexy woman/man on crowded train platform then whisk them away for an all-day breakfast at nearby ‘Sky banner’ pub.


Public servants are supposed to be fat and jolly, or ideally some sort of cartoon dogs like out of those ‘Busy Town’ kids’ books.

They keep pulling this shit. Or is that the tube drivers? And their union boss is that big moody guy. Or is that the tube drivers? Maybe they’re the same. Do normal trains drive around on the tube sometimes?

If I’m too scared to stand up to my boss, they should be too.

They have too many unions with confusing names but annoyingly there isn’t one called BUMCLEF.

I wanted to be a train driver but now I work in this hateful office so they should count their fucking chickens.