Fall albums finally deleted from iPhone

A 38 year-old father of two has acknowledged that he now prefers Radio 4 to post-punk.

Having initially loaded his iPhone with music from his youth, Wayne Hayes admitted the only thing he had played on it for months was the Bruno Mars album.

Hayes said: “The Fall’s angular, aggressive guitars and Mark E Smith’s hectoring delivery were sacred to me in the 80s but now I have my actual life to show me that everything is hellish.

“Besides, I just bought the new Rod Stewart one and that has a Tom Waits cover on it, so my soul is not completely dead.”

The deletion of the Fall albums took place in a ceremony in Hayes’ garden shed, where his Butthole Surfers t-shirt was formally inducted as gardening wear.

Hayes also agreed to his wife’s demand that he sell his guitar on ebay and use the money to buy loft insulation.

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Miliband to marry Victoria Wood

ED Miliband is to be made popular with a raft of measures including getting married to Victoria Wood.

Party strategists are to pair the struggling Labour leader with Britain’s best-loved comedienne and then make a documentary about the couple visiting a car boot sale.

A senior Labour source said: “It’s all about how Ed is no longer in a relationship with the trade unions that got him elected ahead of the person who should obviously have won.

“He’s now in a relationship with Victoria Wood, which is basically the same as being married to Britain.

“A car boot sale will give Victoria the chance to make lots of brilliantly funny remarks and you’ll see Ed laughing at those remarks in much the same way that you would.”

The plan, code-named ‘Making Ed Better at This’, also includes three ‘selfies’ per day, a vicious smear campaign against his existing wife and a ‘mystery stain’.

The source added: “Hopefully the stain will get people talking about Ed in terms other than ‘weak’, ‘opportunistic’ and ‘googly-eyed’.”

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