M&S not sure if it is a shop anymore

MARKS & Spencer is unsure whether it is a supermarket or a quasi-spiritual organisation offering the promise of a better life.

The store’s latest advertising campaign, featuring inspirational women such as Dame Helen Mirren and Katie Piper, has confused shoppers who just popped in for some balsamic vinegar and a quiche.

Housewife Donna Sheridan said: “I like Helen Mirren, but it’s not clear what she’s got to do with buying a ready-to-roast pork loin.

“First they had the adverts with perfect food in perfect surroundings, like you’d been invited to a finger buffet in Heaven and God had made a special effort.

“Then there were the adverts with perfect families enjoying endless idyllic summer days, which didn’t bear much relation to my own family holiday consisting of two weeks of arguing somewhere damp.

“Now they’re going on about high-achievers like Monica Ali, which can make you feel a bit inadequate if you’ve never written a best-selling novel and you’re buying a pair of elasticated slacks.

“Are they saying my life could be amazing and inspirational? Or are they saying my life is a failure? It’s a lot to think about when you can’t find the sausage rolls and your parking’s about to run out.”

An M&S spokesman said: “All advertising has an aspirational element to it, although we wouldn’t advise our customers to try and be a top ballerina like Darcy Bussell because that’s unbelievably difficult.

“It’s better if they just aspire to buying nicer fishfingers than the ones from Tesco.”

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Eternally optimistic Guardian reader admits Obama is dreadful

A GUARDIAN reader who has worshipped Barack Obama for five years without interruption has finally admitted he is just awful.

Martin Bishop, who until last week was still insisting Obama was a mixture of Martin Luther King and John F Kennedy, has now realised that America’s first black president is basically just that.

Bishop said: “I read in the Guardian this morning that he’s now saying there would be no attack on Syria if Assad gives up his chemical weapons. I just thought – ‘he’s an arse’.

“I’m not in favour of attacking Syria but couldn’t he have said that right at the start? So, yes, I admit it – he is a terrible president.”

Bishop said that even Obama’s achievements were ‘pretty thin’, adding: “The economy is recovering because they are printing shitloads of money. Any moron could do that.

“And so what if he ‘got’ Bin Laden? The head of the CIA comes to him and says ‘we’ve found Bin Laden, shall we kill him?’. What was he gonna do? Say ‘no’?.

“Well done for getting elected the first time – that was impressive – but the second time he was up against a Mormon. I mean, for fuck’s sake.”

Bishop then listed Guantanamo, Bradley Manning and the NSA as other reasons why he should have realised that Obama was ‘basically a twat’.

He added: “Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. No more adolescent, liberal hero-worshipping for me.

“That said, I do think George Clooney would make a fantastic president.”