Small testicles are much easier to live with, say men

MEN generally prefer to have relatively small testicles, it has been confirmed.

As new research found that men with smaller testicles make better parents, men said that was probably the least important thing about having testicles.

Tom Logan, whose testicles are just under four centimetres long, said: “I’m very comfortable with the overall heft of my scrotum.

“I can walk freely and openly. Rarely do I catch my testicles on bicycle seats, gateposts or an old lady’s face when standing up on the bus.

“Meanwhile, sitting down is, and always has been, an absolute pleasure. I have actually had nightmares about what it would be like to sit on my own testicles.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The vast majority of the men we spoke to could not see the point of having large, unwieldy gonads.

“In much the same way that most woman regard massive breasts as a tiresome inconvenience, men see large testicles as a burden – as well as something which could lead to hip and lower back problems in later life.”

Professor Brubaker added: “There is some evidence that men with very large testicles are attracted to women with very large breasts – and vice versa.”

The study also found that men were not concerned about the possibility of lower levels of testosterone as most of them found the hormone to be ‘a bit of a bother’.

Meanwhile, more than 80 percent said that if they could they would just keep them in a jar.

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Stephen King: I had no idea I'd written a sequel to The Shining

MY new novel, Doctor Sleep, is about a man called Danny Torrance who has psychic powers which saved his life as a child.

Critics are saying it sounds like a sequel to The Shining, and my response is: the what?

Don’t get me wrong, it sounds sorta familiar. There was a bunch of horror stuff with those kind of names back in the 80s; The Shining, The Howling, The Whining. And sure, I probably wrote more than my share. But I’m pretty sure this whole backstory I’ve come up with for Danny, about his dad trying to kill him in a haunted hotel, is completely new.

My agent tells me this Shining is about a writer going crazy in Colorado during a harsh winter, and it’s true my characters are always writers. But, as I explained to him, my books are about writers who live in Maine.

Apparently they made a Shining movie that was pretty good. Great. But trust me, you stop paying attention to the film adaptations of your work after the cheque comes in for Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, and that was six Children of the Corn films ago.

Let’s get real here: I’ve written 50 books. I can’t be expected to remember them all. So if my readers think this one’s a sequel, what does it matter who wrote what and if it was by accident or on purpose?

Anyway, I’m already hard at work on my next novel, which I think people are gonna love. It’s about an injured writer from Maine who gets picked up by a telekinetic teenager driving her haunted car into a town full of vampires controlled by a killer clown.

Try telling me that’s not original.