Fence-cutters far cheaper than festival tickets

TOOLS for cutting holes in fences cost much less than music festival tickets, it has emerged.

The escalating cost of major festivals has provoked middle class culture enthusiasts to Google cutting and digging tools, with surprising results.

41-year-old Islington resident Emma Bradford said: “We have a man who does our manual stuff so I had no idea that robust festival breaking-in tools could be bought for under £40. We’re in.”

She added: “It costs about a grand to take the kids to a big festival, which seems like a lot of money to bop around to indie-style rock then watch Jeremy Hardy in a tent while eating a falafel.

“However I didn’t want to miss out and feel that as a family we’ve lost our edge.”

Bradford’s partner Martin Bishop said: “Our original plan for getting into boutique festivals this summer was for Emma to whore herself to the people on the gate. She’s getting on a bit but is still a good-looking woman.

“Much better to cut a hole in the fence. We’ll stick the kids through first, even if the security guards get them it’s basically free child care for the weekend and we go to the pub.”

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Please don’t throw us, beg snails

SNAILS have asked gardeners to kindly not lob them over the fence.

Snail Tom Logan said: “See this shell on my back? Does it look unbreakable? No? Well, that’s because it fucking isn’t.”

The gastropods offered alternative removal techniques including a little snail bus pulled by a fox, a travelator to next door’s organic vegetable patch or just popping them in the post.

Logan continued: “Or how about putting our need to eat before your need to have some pretty flowers to look at?

“No? Okay, at least give us a beer trap. Let us peaceably drink ourselves to death.”