Five degrees that will get you f**king nowhere

THOUGHT higher education would improve your life? Nope. Here are the subjects that will make zero difference to your career prospects.

Art history

Learning how to draw and paint would have been useful. Learning how other people drew and painted in the past is a waste of time. That’s unless you want to teach other directionless, privately educated teenagers art history. Even then you probably just need to read some art books, not get yourself in £45k of debt.

Creative writing

Creative writing is a noble pursuit which teaches you how to communicate the human condition. It’s just a shame that you live in a society which values perceptive, crafted prose less than unboxing videos on YouTube. Although if you want family members to ask when you’re writing the next Harry Potter, this is the degree for you.


Unfairly believed by morons to be just ‘thinking about stuff’, these days even Plato and Socrates wouldn’t recommend pissing away three years of your life studying philosophy when you could be learning how to code. You might become prime minister if you study it alongside politics and economics, but you also need to be rich and well-connected. Which you’re not.

Contemporary dance

Ballet is the only form of dance with a real career path. As regards the rest of dance, not a single business needs people who can prance around like Kate Bush in 1980, so study something more useful like mime or Klingon. A top street mime artist can easily earn the price of a sandwich in a morning.

Anything not related to STEM

Any degree which does not teach you to work for a pharmaceutical giant or design an Amazon warehouse is useless in modern Britain. And by 2025 all forms of art will have been eradicated by Nadine Dorries, meaning even trendy graphic designer types will be out on their arse. Become a plumber instead, they’re always loaded.

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'I've been online once and there were cocks': Nadine Dorries explains why the internet is being banned

YOU think you like the internet, but you don’t. It’s actually bad. I went on there once and saw not just one cock, but loads of cocks. That’s why I’m getting rid of it.

Yes, there are good sites on there like MailOnline, a shining beacon of truth rightly held up as the 21st century’s greatest achievement. But that only makes the darker corners worse.

I’m not kidding about the cocks. There’s tons of them. Just type ‘cocks’ and you’ll be deluged with big, hard cocks from every direction. I was absolutely horrified.

Really, what do you like about the internet? Netflix? That’s telly. News? That’s telly and the papers. Shopping? We’ve got high streets for that. Porn? Well that’s just cocks again, isn’t it?

So many cocks. Honestly you could book a day off work to see every cock on the internet and you still wouldn’t be finished.

‘What about Twitter?’ I was asked. ‘You like that, don’t you Nadine? You once threatened to nail a journalist’s testicles to the floor with his own front teeth on Twitter. You’d miss that.’

Indeed I would. But what idiots forget is things like Twitter, Liz Truss’s Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp and email aren’t on the internet. They’re on your phone.

After a while all I could see was cocks. I went on Google and I swear the Google logo was made out of cocks. I complained but they said I was ‘hallucinating’. 

That’s why the internet’s going. You won’t miss it. I cut through our street’s broadband cable at 3.30am last night, my mind swimming in cocks. Thank God they’ve finally started to clear.