Five things people who take f**king ages in the shower are doing that definitely aren't wanking

DOES your partner take so long in the shower you’re convinced they’re having a wank? They’re probably doing these weird things instead. Let’s hope so, anyway.

Cleaning the shower

The obvious time to give the shower a good old scrub is when you’re in it, right? And they certainly seem to give it a real seeing to, because they’ve turned the pressure on the shower head up full and you can hear them grunting from the effort all the way downstairs.

Making ‘hair art’ on the tiles

The only reason they’re in the shower for so long is that they’re making shapes and pictures on the tiles with their own hair. They think it’s ‘fun’, but it makes you want to heave because it’s gross. But it’s clearly not wanking. Although why are so many of those hairs short and curly when they’ve got a head full of long hair? How did they all come out? Mysterious.

Practising their Oscars acceptance speech

Even the most grounded adult is entitled to their fantasies, so why not imagining collecting an Oscar in the shower? You think it’s kind of cute, and don’t pay too much attention to the fact that the speech weirdly seems to involve a large chunk of the diner orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally.


We all feel a bit low sometimes, and a good cry can be therapeutic. The shower is the ideal place because they’ll feel refreshed and more positive and the water washes away the tears. Those moans are definitely heartfelt sobs, not someone enjoying a bit of self-love.

Blowing bubbles with the soap

Your partner is a big kid at heart, and they spend ages lathering up the soap and blowing bubbles by making an ‘O’ with their finger and thumb. At least, you presume that’s why they were in there for 25 minutes and now the bar is worn down to a nub.

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Priti Patel suits up in riot gear for arrest of Zaghari-Ratcliffe

PRITI Patel will be present as immigration officers arrest and deport Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, whose arrival in the UK she considers ‘deeply suspicious’.

The home secretary expressed surprise that Zaghari-Ratcliffe has been let into the country at all given her ‘foreign-sounding’ name and the six-year gap in her employment record, clearly suggesting she is a criminal or Iranian spy.

Patel said: “From everything I’ve heard about Zaghari-Ratcliffe over the last 24 hours, not least her large amount of jail time, she’s not the sort of person we want coming to the UK.

“If we want to secure our borders, we can’t let hardened criminals like this come jetting in. If she was genuine she’d be happy to settle in a safe country like France or Germany. But she’s probably heard about our generous benefits system.”

Patel said she hoped images of her leading a pre-dawn raid on Mrs Zaghari-Ratcliffe’s family home with battering rams would send out a message that Britain was no soft touch, even if you are British and live here. 

She added: “Boris seems to have gone a bit soft on her, not like before when he helped make sure she stayed in prison. Or maybe he just ballsed it up by not paying attention again. 

“I hope people remember I’ve got rid of a dangerous, slightly foreign-sounding criminal when they’re thinking about who should be the next prime minister.”