Five memes that need to die a slow, painful death

SICK of seeing jokes regurgitated on social media with diminishing returns? Watching these five memes meet a grisly end would put a smile on anyone’s face.

Condescending Wonka

Sadly, this screencap of Gene Wilder from 1971’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory accompanied by a wry remark will likely be the actor’s most enduring cultural legacy. Despite dating back to 2010, this meme is still trotted out by morons who are incapable of thinking up their own witty comment. Kill it.

Distracted boyfriend

This stock photo of a man admiring another woman while his girlfriend looks on in disgust led to some amusing variations for a while, but it got old fast. Even the most creative versions that crop up provoke nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a weary sigh. ‘Yes,’ you say to your screen in a monotone, ‘very funny.’

How it started/how it’s going

This is nothing more than an opportunity for people to brag about how well their life is going. Posting a gawky old photo next to a sexy new one is apparently acceptable when accompanied by this caption, even though it’s nothing less than shameless showing off. Although versions with the reverse trajectory are admittedly quite funny.

Unpopular opinion swords

This frame from Disney’s Tangled of a man with dozens of swords pointed at him is used by online contrarians when discussing their controversial hot takes. Ironically, the most popular opinion on the internet is that this meme format is so pointlessly dull and overused that it needs to be sliced up by the very blades it depicts.

Whatever is big in the news today

Social media has become so proficient at churning out memes that a dozen more based on today’s news will have popped up while you’ve been reading this. And will have worn thin in minutes. Suddenly all those lazy, horribly overused Futurama memes don’t seem so bad after all.

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The sure-fire losers to back in the Grand National

PUTTING your once-a-year bet on, for a bit of fun? Here are the horses dead-on guaranteed to make the bookies money:

Shiverman’s Lament (3/2)

A galloping piebald who came third in the Covid Cup last year, ridden by diminutive Irishman Kieran O’Conlon, well suited to soft ground up to and including mangrove swamp. Trained by the Big Fast Horsey stables, expected to lose but gallantly.

Muskrat Lovehandles (5/1)

A laser-guided burnished bronze who won the Dubai Cash-Waster, ridden by diminutive Irishwoman Arlene Foster. Performs well on concrete, multi-storey car parks and the western concourse of the Trafford Centre. Can get overexcited when asked to beat other horses in a race.

Shaking, Sweating, Palpitations (9/2)

A Farrow & Ball off-white mare who has never won anything, which is expected to provide powerful motivation. Rides well on haunted ground including graveyards and sites of major injustices. Trained by pointing at a picture of a finish line and saying ‘run towards this’.

Ursine Orgy Attended By The Queen (16/1)

A cross-hatched urban stallion who triumphed over a mixed field to win Best New Artist at the Brit Awards in 2019, ridden by diminutive Crownlander Tyrion Lannister. Form has tailed off since realising that horses that fall and injure themselves get shot. Semen is worth 0.866 Bitcoins per centilitre.

I’m Sorry, There Was Nothing The Doctors Could Do (44-evens)

A former shire horse slimmed down to racehorse weight for this event, performs superbly on ground disputed by one or more sovereign nations. The jockey is a child found unattended in a nearby pub and given crisps. Trained by Deep Blue.

Anotherloverholenyohead (100/0)

Spectral horse that manifests only at times of grave national crisis. Gallops through dreams as warning of looming disaster, showing excellent form. Won the 1914 Kaiser Cup, the 1939 Appeasement Chase and the 2019 Pandemic Classic. Expected to romp home.

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