IT’S said that people become more conservative as they age, but why does that happen? Here are some life events that will turn you from a radical young firebrand into a stuffy old Tory.
Getting a mortgage
You spent years paying through the nose to live in a shitty rental property and blamed the right-wing capitalist state for sucking you dry. But the second you buy your own property you’ll be outraged by the outrageous charges involved and would basically vote for Hitler if he gave you a tax break.
Having children is a magical experience all about nurturing others – until you realised you wanted them to become hedge fund managers so they could keep you in your old age. And they’ll only be able to do that if they go to the private schools that Tories love.
Sitting in your garden
Your garden should be a peaceful oasis and it won’t be if the a farmer in the neighbouring field agrees to have a wind turbine installed. F**k low-cost energy for poor rural areas – you want to be able to hear your Sonos system playing Radio 4 from the kitchen.
Buying a massive car
A car isn’t a real car until it’s a f**k off huge SUV that makes a window-shaking racket when you start it up in your executive village to commute, is it? Those snowflake lefties will stop you waking them at 6.30am unless you vote for your shit, parachuted-in Tory MP.
Are you finding this new-fangled world confusing and worrying? Don’t try to understand it for the sake of the grandchildren: get angry and reactionary and demand the government put everyone under the age of 50 in prison instead. It’s for their own good.