Getting a mortgage, and four other things that will turn you into a Tory

IT’S said that people become more conservative as they age, but why does that happen? Here are some life events that will turn you from a radical young firebrand into a stuffy old Tory.

Getting a mortgage

You spent years paying through the nose to live in a shitty rental property and blamed the right-wing capitalist state for sucking you dry. But the second you buy your own property you’ll be outraged by the outrageous charges involved and would basically vote for Hitler if he gave you a tax break.

Having children

Having children is a magical experience all about nurturing others – until you realised you wanted them to become hedge fund managers so they could keep you in your old age. And they’ll only be able to do that if they go to the private schools that Tories love.

Sitting in your garden 

Your garden should be a peaceful oasis and it won’t be if the a farmer in the neighbouring field agrees to have a wind turbine installed. F**k low-cost energy for poor rural areas – you want to be able to hear your Sonos system playing Radio 4 from the kitchen.

Buying a massive car

A car isn’t a real car until it’s a f**k off huge SUV that makes a window-shaking racket when you start it up in your executive village to commute, is it? Those snowflake lefties will stop you waking them at 6.30am unless you vote for your shit, parachuted-in Tory MP.

Getting old

Are you finding this new-fangled world confusing and worrying? Don’t try to understand it for the sake of the grandchildren: get angry and reactionary and demand the government put everyone under the age of 50 in prison instead. It’s for their own good.

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Six people you're not allowed to find attractive

ALL’S fair in love and war, right? No. Because if you fancy the wrong person you are a terrible individual or even a pervert. So under no circumstances fancy these people.

Your wife’s attractive friend 

Obviously keep this to yourself. But also beware of your wife saying ‘Emma’s attractive, isn’t she?’ and agreeing just to show you like her friends, because then you’ll be in the shit for a very long time.

Your husband’s best mate

The one you actually fancied in the first place before finding yourself paired off with your now boring old spouse. But it’s fraught with danger because he might actually be up for an affair and you don’t want a theoretical sexual fantasy to become a guilt-laden, sticky reality.

Aidan Turner as Ross Poldark

This should technically be okay because you’ll never meet him, but there’s no question you DO fancy him. Mere mortal men like your partner know it and cannot compete, so basically you’re having an affair in 18th century Cornwall via the telly. 

Your kid’s form tutor

This fresh-faced babe straight out of teacher training college really doesn’t need another dad staring down her blouse as she tries engage you in how Oscar is getting better at sums. Although frankly it’s a miracle he can concentrate on his lessons at all.

Joanna Lumley

Back in the 1970s Lumley played stunning heroines like Purdey in The New Avengers, although it’s best to try and forget about the haircuts. However it must be said that at 74 she’s really quite old so it’s borderline wrong. On the other hand she did play Sapphire in Sapphire & Steel. Tough call. 

Your undeniably attractive cousin

No one can argue that they’re not attractive, and they’re not really a close family member, but there’s still that small matter of incest. And you’ve seen those pictures of inbred American hillbillies with huge ears.