Saturday, 8th May 2021

How I'd easily sort out Northern Ireland, by a Brexiter

RENEWED violence in Northern Ireland is a worrying development. Luckily Leave voter Roy Hobbs is here to offer his typically simplistic Brexiter solutions to the problem. 

Go to Wetherspoons

‘Catholist’ and ‘Loyalican’ are just labels. If the two sides went down Spoons and had a few pints you’d realise you’ve got more in common than you think. You’re all Irish people who love ‘the blarney’, U2 and alcoholism, so why not?

Stop fretting about this silly border business

Apparently checks on imports after Brexit have ‘raised tensions’ and there are ‘concerns’ about a hard border. What are you worrying about? We only need borders to keep foreigners out of Britain. It doesn’t affect you at all.

Just get behind Brexit 

Brexit has loads of benefits – too many to mention here – so it will definitely be good for Ulster and Eire, as I believe they’re called. You could even become one country, maybe the United Kingdom of Ireland. I can’t see any problem there.

Become ‘Global Ireland’

Ireland has to learn to stand on its own two feet eventually without our help, so get innovative! St Patrick’s Day is the sort of thing you could market around the globe, and what about leprechauns? I’d go to see those in a zoo. If you captured some Causeway Giants you’ve got bloody Jurassic Park.

Send the British army in 

Okay, this is a last resort, but the British army is the best in the world and capable of dealing with any problem. I’m no expert on history but I’m sure Our Lads could easily calm things down in Northern Ireland.