How I'd easily sort out Northern Ireland, by a Brexiter

RENEWED violence in Northern Ireland is a worrying development. Luckily Leave voter Roy Hobbs is here to offer his typically simplistic Brexiter solutions to the problem. 

Go to Wetherspoons

‘Catholist’ and ‘Loyalican’ are just labels. If the two sides went down Spoons and had a few pints you’d realise you’ve got more in common than you think. You’re all Irish people who love ‘the blarney’, U2 and alcoholism, so why not?

Stop fretting about this silly border business

Apparently checks on imports after Brexit have ‘raised tensions’ and there are ‘concerns’ about a hard border. What are you worrying about? We only need borders to keep foreigners out of Britain. It doesn’t affect you at all.

Just get behind Brexit 

Brexit has loads of benefits – too many to mention here – so it will definitely be good for Ulster and Eire, as I believe they’re called. You could even become one country, maybe the United Kingdom of Ireland. I can’t see any problem there.

Become ‘Global Ireland’

Ireland has to learn to stand on its own two feet eventually without our help, so get innovative! St Patrick’s Day is the sort of thing you could market around the globe, and what about leprechauns? I’d go to see those in a zoo. If you captured some Causeway Giants you’ve got bloody Jurassic Park.

Send the British army in 

Okay, this is a last resort, but the British army is the best in the world and capable of dealing with any problem. I’m no expert on history but I’m sure Our Lads could easily calm things down in Northern Ireland.

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The five best household chores to do so your partner gets the shit ones

WANT to skive off household chores? Do these just-about-tolerable ones to show you’re doing your bit while your partner gets stuck with properly shit tasks.

Do the cooking, but leave the washing up

Cooking really is not that bad, particularly when you can dirty as many pans, bowls and utensils as you like, safe in the knowledge that it will be your partner doing the washing up. That’s far more of a pain in the arse, but you’ve cooked a ‘lovely’ meal so they can’t touch you.

Wash the outside of the car. Ignore the inside

On a sunny day, it’s almost enjoyable to get outside and give the car a good wash while humming away tunelessly. However the inside means getting the hoover and extension lead out and struggling to clean hard-to-reach areas where the kids have dropped all sorts of disgusting gunk. Leave that to your loved one.

Hoover the carpeted rooms, then mention the tiled floors

Scooting around a carpeted room with a hoover need only take a few minutes. But mention that the kitchen floor and bathroom still need to be done, requiring someone to scrub away at a grubby, sticky surface with a mop or get on their knees and wipe the floor. How fortunate that you have already done your bit.

Wipe the surfaces, avoid the fridge and oven

Hell would have to freeze over before you’d scrub the grime-coated oven clean, or go through the ordeal of emptying out the fridge to clean the shelves and sides. Make sure to wipe the more accessible kitchen surfaces before sitting down looking exhausted and asking your partner: ‘Is it just me, or is the fridge a bit smelly?’

Put the washing machine on, then ask if the wash might have finished

Dumping an overfilled washing basket into the machine is relatively easy. But make a big fuss about it, then as you hear the cycle end, ask your partner if they think it’s finished yet. When they go to check, your trap is sprung and you won’t be the one faffing around with the clothes horse and trying to cram five jumpers onto a couple of radiators.