Six reasons why we must never 'find the new Oasis'

PEOPLE have complained that the 20-something generation has failed to produce an Oasis-style Britpop sensation. Here’s why that’s the last thing the world needs.

Encouraging twats to have ‘attitude’

Oasis excelled at meaningless rock star posturing. Who was Liam flicking the Vs at all the time, exactly? The new Oasis would have to do the same, swear a lot and have a deeply tedious rivalry with another band.

More Union Jack backdrops

Oasis were all about flying the British flag ironically. Okay, maybe half-ironically. Who knows what it meant? Everyone’s probably had enough of nonsense about flags at the moment, though.

Noel Gallagher would be saying they were a rip-off

Self-confessed Beatles obsessive Noel would immediately lay into Oasis 2 for being shite compared to Oasis 1. And he’d be right, especially if their songs became increasingly samey and the lyrics were vague rock anthem babble.

A new wave of Britpop hype

Someone would probably call it ‘Britpop 2.0’ or something equally cringey. Every magazine cover would feature the new Oasis looking trying to look deep, and we’d all be treated to Oasis 2 meeting Boris and Carrie. 

Who’d want to be nostalgic about the early 2020s?

One of Oasis’s functions is to whisk us back to the alleged euphoria of the mid-90s. But who’d want a group that, years later, reminds us of being stuck in a room with a malfunctioning Zoom connection?

They’d be shit

This is important to remember. If Oasis were a tepid dilution of The Beatles, then the new Oasis would be a stone-cold homeopathic dose of bugger all.

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Do you need an SUV or do you live in Kensington?

ARE your days spent driving up mountains while dragging a horsebox, or do you want a car so needlessly big your spoilt kids can’t kick the back of your seat? Find out with this quiz.

Where do you live?

A) In a tent halfway up a mountain that’s so remote it doesn’t even appear on any maps.

B) In an eye-wateringly expensive mansion surrounded by half-a-dozen tube stations that are each a minute’s walk away.

Why do you drive?

A) To transport fuel, perishables and livestock to my isolated dwelling.

B) To avoid breathing the same air as the hoi polloi who I wish I could hunt for sport. And the school run.

Who’s in the back seat?

A) A mountain goat who is my oldest friend and only companion, not to mention my most convenient source of milk.

B) My ungrateful, brattish kids who will one day inherit the wealth I worked hard to have handed down to me.

Where do you park?

A) Anywhere I like, I’m the only human being to be found in these five square kilometres of the countryside.

B) On a congested street, between two cars I’ve dented, or blocking the pavement, forcing pedestrians to walk in the road and get hit by buses, Deliveroo riders and more SUVs.

What are you currently driving?

A) A clapped-out old ambulance that looks like it was probably a leftover from some long-forgotten war.

B) A monstrously large hatchback which is bigger than some of the bedsits in my property empire. But I’m looking to downsize.


Mostly As: Probably couldn’t hurt to splash out on an SUV.

Mostly Bs: You don’t need an SUV, you need a f**king reality check.