MEN are known for exaggerating the size of ‘the one that got away’, but that’s just the tip of their iceberg of lies. Watch out for these…
A highly dramatised illness or injury, eg. annoying heartburn, will have a sequel – his arduous journey back from the brink of the abyss. Do not try and compare it with your own inferior woes. Seriously, it felt like he was being melted from the inside by boiling acid.
Brushes with fame
Maybe he’s managed to rant about parking on a local radio phone-in, or sat in a tube carriage near Sandy Toksvig (SANDY TOKSVIG!). Either way, it will be repeated endlessly, becoming more grandiose upon each recital. Pray he doesn’t have a more in-depth encounter, like telling Jimmy Carr where the toilets are. That gripping anecdote will echo down the ages.
Sex stimulates the part of a man’s brain that produces exaggatonin, a hormone that enlarges his sexual prowess. He might jest ‘I don’t like to brag, if there was an England team…’ and his penis size will be above average, but not implausibly so. He’s strangely vague about his number of sexual partners – it should be easy to tot up – but rest assured, it’s a lot.
The sport men excel at is exaggeration. They see no difference between victory in an Olympic discipline, scoring at lads-and-dads football or scraping to victory in Hungry Hippos. Any defeat is obviously the fault of the referee or a defective, insufficiently peckish hippo.
The outcome of conflicts
Whether it’s an argument with a colleague or returning a defective lamp, a man will have won. Some will pathetically relate ancient primary school fights, while loony fantasists will spin a bullshit tale of fighting off a ‘gang’. None will ever claim to have won an argument about putting the bin out, though. That would be too implausible.