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Five things men always exaggerate

MEN are known for exaggerating the size of ‘the one that got away’, but that’s just the tip of their iceberg of lies. Watch out for these…

Ailments

A highly dramatised illness or injury, eg. annoying heartburn, will have a sequel – his arduous journey back from the brink of the abyss. Do not try and compare it with your own inferior woes. Seriously, it felt like he was being melted from the inside by boiling acid.

Brushes with fame

Maybe he’s managed to rant about parking on a local radio phone-in, or sat in a tube carriage near Sandy Toksvig (SANDY TOKSVIG!). Either way, it will be repeated endlessly, becoming more grandiose upon each recital. Pray he doesn’t have a more in-depth encounter, like telling Jimmy Carr where the toilets are. That gripping anecdote will echo down the ages.

Sex

Sex stimulates the part of a man’s brain that produces exaggatonin, a hormone that enlarges his sexual prowess. He might jest ‘I don’t like to brag, if there was an England team…’ and his penis size will be above average, but not implausibly so. He’s strangely vague about his number of sexual partners – it should be easy to tot up – but rest assured, it’s a lot.

Sporting triumphs

The sport men excel at is exaggeration. They see no difference between victory in an Olympic discipline, scoring at lads-and-dads football or scraping to victory in Hungry Hippos. Any defeat is obviously the fault of the referee or a defective, insufficiently peckish hippo. 

The outcome of conflicts

Whether it’s an argument with a colleague or returning a defective lamp, a man will have won. Some will pathetically relate ancient primary school fights, while loony fantasists will spin a bullshit tale of fighting off a ‘gang’. None will ever claim to have won an argument about putting the bin out, though. That would be too implausible.

Six things today's young people should suffer because you did

DO you feel young people should experience some of the shite you did in the 70s and 80s? Obviously yes. You’re not bitter, it’s just in the interests of fairness.

Tuneless music lessons 

Every child HAD to learn the recorder. It was the 1970s equivalent of being in the Hitler Youth. Parents were made to suffer migraine-inducing massed recorder concerts. Strangest of all were singalong BBC radio epics played on a large mono speaker. On your death bed you’ll still be wondering ‘What the f**k was Return to Badlidrempt about?’

Having to use your imagination

Xbox and Playstation allow you play immersive games as a steampunk assassin or Darth Vader. Back in the day, you were stuck with acting out Blake’s 7. If memory serves, it didn’t involve actual roleplay, just everyone deciding to be Avon in a distinctly un-sci-fi 1980s playground.  

Parents with no concept of being a teenager

Today’s parents realise teenagers are self-conscious and need to fit in. Not your parents, who sent you off to school with a freakish haircut done in the kitchen, Brains-from-Thunderbirds NHS glasses and unaddressed terrible spots that would revolt anyone except a medieval plague victim. 

Parents who denied the existence of sex

Your parents gave you no practical advice about sexual relationships, leaving you to piece together the basic mechanics from pictures of fallopian tubes, sex scenes in The Singing Detective, and your friend Colin, who believed your testicles would explode if not used.

The worst day trips in history 

Places of historical interest gave no quarter to children. Forget interactive displays and animatronics – you’d have to stare at Victorian medicine bottles like the most tedious local history buff. Even pubs didn’t get wise to marketing themselves as ‘family fun pubs’ for decades. Fancy another look at the horse brasses, kids?

Going to the library 

Writers and Guardian journalists wax lyrical about going to the public library. It must have been a different one to yours, which was full of Tintin books (too bad if you didn’t find Thompson and Thompson hilarious), brain-rot Jilly Cooper horse rubbish, and a strangely large number of obscure paranormal tomes with titles like UFOs Over The Lake District.