13 everyday things that make you irrationally angry

FORGET Covid and Brexit – it’s the little things that make us totally lose our shit on a daily basis. Like these:  

The smoke alarm going off. I’d rather the house burns down than hear your incessant wailing you beepy bastard. 

The kitchen drawer won’t open because of the big pasta spoon – or the potato masher. They’re in it together. 

When you have to create a new password that asks for a capital letter, a lower case letter, three symbols, two numbers and the moon on a f**king stick. Like hackers are all standing by ready to break into my Tesco grocery account. 

Then when you immediately forget that password and have to go through the entire process again. 

When you only discover there’s no milk after pouring the cereal into your bowl or tea into the mug. 

The dishwasher beeping to tell you it’s ready to unload. Then it keeps on beeping and beeping and beeping until you reluctantly go and open it, shouting ‘YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!’ But you know it is. 

When toast pops up before you are quite ready to deal with the effort of spreading butter on it. I literally just sat down, you bready little arsehole. 

When the landline rings, any time ever. 

Pizza menus. They’re not fooling anyone – they’re from cheapo takeaways that do every type of fast food, and the pizzas will be crap. Through the door and into the recycling seamlessly.

When you go to open a bottle of wine and discover it has an actual cork like the olden days. You lost your corkscrew in 2008. 

Since the beginning of time humans have become enraged by being unable to find the end of the sticky tape. We can put a man on the moon but you’re telling me there’s no way of inventing sticky tape where you find the end first time?

When you can’t find the scissors even though you always put them in the scissor drawer.  

Trying to put a king-sized duvet cover on a duvet. For a double challenge, try to do this without swearing. 

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Lock up these thieving public sector workers, by a brainwashed tabloid reader

By Norman Steele

WHAT a surprise. Public sector workers are clamouring for more money. I say it’s time to call them what they are – lazy thieving scum, and punish them accordingly.

Even the most bone idle council road sweeper or anti-white diversity officer gets a ‘gold-plated’ pension. I reckon that must be at least £500,000 a year, judging by the outrage of my preferred newspaper of record, the Sun. 

Admittedly when I was in hospital recently with gout the staff seemed rushed off their feet, but that was probably a freak day when they weren’t standing around chatting or taking their own drugs.

Luckily the brave journalists at the Sun and Daily Mail aren’t afraid to expose the great public sector scam. It’s time for those responsible to face up to their crimes – with prison sentences and, for the most overpaid parasites, the death penalty.

Sure, firing squads for NHS staff won’t be popular with bleeding heart liberals. But if we only execute, say, one in five, it will act as a deterrent across the whole corrupt organisation. And motivate nurses to bring you more tea and biscuits when you ask, instead of spinning some line about ‘other patients to see’. 

Binmen are the worst. Their big lorries lift the bins, so what are we paying for them for? We should put them in labour camps, where they can pay back all the work they avoided by breaking rocks for 23 hours a day until they drop dead.

I don’t mind admitting I’d have joined the public sector gravy train if I’d known about it sooner. But Muggins here got a punishing private sector job for 38 hours a week that only enabled me to afford two holidays a year and a four-bedroom house, not a social worker’s luxury yacht.