Rylan and other celebrities too weird to be real

CELEBRITIES are better than you. Some of them are also really f**king weird. Here are five that are surely an elaborate act:

Rylan

Loveable TV presenter Rylan is on our screens so much that you’ve got used to his strangely immaculate hair and high visibility teeth. You assume he’s in his fifties and has simply had a lot of work done, then you learn he turned 33 this month and begin to wonder how that’s possible. Maybe he was made in a factory.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Anybody who makes a candle that smells like their vagina is surely taking the piss. The real Gwyneth Paltrow must be a method actor or performance artist who has to embody the most insufferable twat for a living. The alternative, that she’s a ludicrously wealthy moron, is too grim to contemplate.

Louis Spence

High octane choreographer Louis Spence has achieved cult fame thanks to his energetic dancing and in-your-face personality. There’s no way he can keep this up 24/7 though. If you can’t imagine someone kicking back with a takeaway pizza and a Netflix marathon of their favourite series then they’re probably putting up a front.

Cardi B

You know that Cardi B is an American rapper. You also know that she is incredibly talented and made that rude song with Megan Thee Stallion. But when you watch her confound interviewers by making strange noises like that cop from Police Academy, you secretly wonder if she’s a glitch in the Matrix that only you can see.

Paul Rudd

There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes, and Hollywood actor Paul Rudd’s eternal youth. While everyone else eventually withers and dies, Paul Rudd will remain as fresh-faced as he looked in Clueless, the bastard. There must be an absolutely grotesque portrait of him in an attic somewhere, it’s the only logical explanation for his unnatural looks.

Have you just moved in with an annoying bastard?

YOU’VE moved into a new place with someone. Are you getting along, or are they irritating the living shit out of you? Take our test:

Is the bathroom always occupied?

A) No. The other person is very respectful to my needs.

B) Yes, always. Every time I want to use it they’re in there, or it needs to be left fallow due to the rancid after-stench.

Is the house noisy?

A) Not really. There are just the comforting sounds of someone quietly going about their daily life.

B) Bloody hell, yes. The TV, the stomping around, when they do anything at all in the kitchen. And is it really necessary to say ‘burp’ when burping?

Do they always have an annoying contrary opinion?

A) Not often. There’s agreement without question on most things and we have a harmonious household.

B) Yes, always. From the temperature on the thermostat to the brand of washing up liquid, they want to argue about every tiny detail. 

Can you always tell where they’ve been?

A) Not really. I may find Post-It notes saying to remember to buy bread – cute, efficient stuff like that.

B) Yes. By their body shape in the sofa and cushions, by the toast crumbs strewn across every surface of the kitchen, by the remote that I can never find, by the endless damp washing hung on the radiators. They haunt me like a slovenly ghost.

Are they able to carry out practical household tasks?

A)  They can change a lightbulb and know where the stopcock is, which is good enough for me.

B) They tried to wash a duvet in the household washing machine, which caused both a flood and a fire. So, no.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You’ve moved in with an intelligent and pleasant human being, which is a rare find. If they aren’t already your partner you should marry them immediately.

Mostly Bs: You’ve moved in with a f**king annoying bellend who will make your home life hell. Unfortunately you need them to pay half the rent, so you’re stuck with them.