Free school meals scrapped as children punished for causing budget deficit

BRITAIN’S infants will finally be made to pay for causing Britain’s massive budget deficit.

Free school lunches are to be scrapped as the government punishes children for engineering the 2008 credit crunch by trading in high-risk, sub-prime mortgages.

A spokesman said: “By removing their free mash potato and lukewarm peas we send a strong message that free markets only succeed when managed responsibly.

“These children threatened the livelihoods of thousands of innocent merchant bankers who just wanted to be happy.”

Six year-old Tom Booker admitted: “The party’s over. In retrospect, it was wrong of me to claim free lunches at the taxpayers’ expense while running a Dubai-based hedge fund.

“Luckily, I’ve accumulated about £8 million in emerging market tech stocks so I should be able to afford a sad little hotdog and a box of Ribena.”

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Britons wearily accept that their prime minister put his cock in a pig's mouth

THE nation is not remotely surprised to hear that its leader shoved his penis into the mouth of a dead pig.

Reports that David Cameron mimicked the act of fellatio with the severed head of a farm animal while his Bullingdon Club friends whooped and cheered have been greeted with tired indifference.

Bus driver Roy Hobbs said: “That’s exactly the sort of thing I imagined they got up to.

“By ‘they’ I mean our masters, the people who have always run the country and always will. They can do what they want because they have money, power and a callous indifference to most things.

“Meanwhile I shall continue driving this bus every day.”

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “I can’t remember whether I had already heard this or just thought I did.

“I’m sure I saw a satirical play at Edinburgh called Pigshead Revisited where one of them got noshed off by a pig, but maybe it was Osborne or Boris. But I might have dreamed that.

“Anyway, you only have to look at them to know what they’re like.”