JOHN Lewis has begun the annual process of turning a much-loved song into an insipid mess in time for Christmas.
The song, believed to be by Madness, will be dismantled to identify the parts that make it good so they can be removed and replaced with tinkly whimsy.
Engineer Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve been milk-feeding a stage school waif in a darkened room for the last eight months so they can sing it with the sufficient lack of oomph.
“By now they sound like a baby owl with a collapsed lung meekly asking for its mummy.”
Defeated Madness fan, Tom Logan, said: “I’m imagining a mournful version of Our House replete with breathy vocals and minor piano chords.
“John Lewis has become so good at this that it’ll probably become the only version of Our House I remember when I’m 70. Surely that’s evil?”