Scotland celebrates anniversary of nothing happening

SCOTLAND is today celebrating one year since absolutely nothing happened and everything stayed exactly the same.

The independence vote, which seemed historic at the time but had less effect on Scottish life than the 2010 cancellation of Taggart, took place on this date in 2014, not that it matters.

Riveter Bill McKay of Glasgow said: “Incredible that we’re a full 365 days away from the vote, though in fairness last week we were also one year on from absolutely fuck all happening and I didn’t commemorate that.

“It’s nice to see the Sturgeon lass celebrating with the same empty threats she was making a year ago, though of course today they’re empty in a more poignant way.”

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said: “The excitement on the streets, a younger generation engaged with politics for the first time, the highest recorded voter turnout since 1918, and here we are still ruled by the Tories from London.

“And of course we must not forget The Vow, in which the leaders of all three major British political parties promised Scotland a load of stuff that they have laughingly failed to deliver.

“Truly the Indyref will go down in history as one of the greatest Scottish capitulations of all time, alongside Glencoe and the group games of Euro ’96.”

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Northern gonorrhoea hard as nails

THE North’s sexually transmitted diseases can beat any antibiotic without putting their pints down, doctors have confirmed.

A new strain of gonorrhoea, which scientists have had difficulties examining because of repeated enquiries about who the fuck they think they are looking at, has been reported in Leeds, Macclesfield, Hull and Scunthorpe.

The aggressive strain is antibiotic-resistant, unaffected by alcohol or nicotine and seemingly impervious to extreme cold.

Dr Helen Archer said: “At temperatures of 233 kelvin, or 40 below centigrade, the virus still made no attempt to put on a coat and mocked any virus that did.

“It proved equally resistant to penicillium, tetracyclines, sulphonamides, bouncers, coppers and anyone else who mistakenly thought they could have a go.”

Northern gonorrhoea molecule Norman Steele said: “I will mash up your immune system but at least, unlike my Southern equivalent, I’m not all picky about how you spell my complicated name.

“Just call me ‘Gon’ or ‘Gonner’.”