Friend selfishly having birthday drinks in his bit of London

A FRIEND is celebrating his birthday near his flat in Stoke Newington, despite it being miles from where everyone else lives. 

Tom Logan has invited everyone for birthday drinks in a nice little bar within walking distance of his home and a mere three buses away from his friends’ homes, and on a weeknight too.

He said: “34 isn’t a big birthday so I thought I’d do something low-key like get six people to travel an aggregate 448 miles, here and back, to watch me eat a mushroom risotto.

“This bar’s super convenient for anyone who, like me, lives in or near Stoke Newington so can stay until closing and still get a full night’s sleep.

“There are night buses. It’s not my fault you live in Streatham.”

Logan added that he might go on somewhere afterwards but warned that he had to be at work in the morning, as though he were the only man in the city with a job.

Friend Helen Archer said: “And he expects a present, like the greedy self-centred North London bastard he is.”

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Mathematical equations still best way to sell shampoo

COMPLICATED mathematical equations requiring viewers to work out how many people equal 78 per cent of 237 remain the best way to sell shampoo, say experts. 

Advertisers have confirmed that without the GCSE-level questions about what percentage of a random number of women preferred what product, posed at the bottom of the screen and giving viewers only a few seconds to calculate, their adverts would be worthless.

Marketer Carolyn Ryan said: “When it comes to haircare, women are mad for science.

“The maths problem is key. Without that, they’d be left with nothing but supermodels tossing their curls about, which is no basis to make crucial coiffure decisions.”

Mary Fisher of Worcester said: “So, 85 per cent of 170 women is 144.5, decent sample size, best-selling in Nielsen ratings between July 2015 and June 2016 when aggregating all related brands… yep. This shit adds up.

“That conditioner is proven fucking gold.”