Idiotic multi-billionaire assumes Tories care about foreigners

AN idiotic American billionaire has assumed the Tories care about the fate of people in the developing world.

Bill Gates, who started a technology company called Microsoft, warned that Tory cuts to the UK’s aid budget after Brexit could cost lives in Africa, as if that would somehow change their minds.

A Tory spokesman said: “Who?”

After Gates was explained to him, the spokesman added: “So? He’s not even British.

“Britain comes first. Did you not know that? Or are you some sort of simpering moron, like this Mr Gates?

“Did you not know that Brexit will make Britain the greatest country in the world?”

The spokesman was then dragged away by police for failing to state Britain is already the greatest country in the world and that everywhere else is utterly vile.

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Man deeply disillusioned with state of world may just be hungry

A 27-YEAR-OLD man is either in profound despair over the chaos, injustice and insanity of the world today, or just hungry. 

Procurement manager Stephen Malley’s existential angst is, he believes, because the world faces a future of escalating conflict, dwindling resources and political extremism, not because he skipped breakfast.

He said: “Wherever I look, there doesn’t seem to be any hope left.

“The refugee crisis, the failure to deal with global warming, and the mounting hunger for political change that just isn’t being satisfied.

“Minute by minute I’m more desperate about the terrible things that are happening. It’s gnawing at me inside. I can’t even think straight.”

Following a marketing meeting to which Malley’s only contribution was “What’s the point when you consider the situation in Yemen?” the disillusioned man headed to the canteen for a bacon sandwich and a Kinder Bueno.

Returning to his desk, Malley added: “Of course there’s fuck all I can do about it, so why worry? What’s everyone doing for lunch?”