Fun bits of having a kid work out at £1,200 per hour

THE overall cost of raising children means that the fun bits of parenthood cost over £1,200 per hour, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies compared the overall child-rearing costs of £230,000 per kid to the few afternoons when they are being cute and not a pain in the arse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Because of weather and your work, parents get only 12-16 carefree timeless afternoons of play a year for no more than 90 minutes. 

“Breaking that down, each frisbee throw was around £60, each push on the swings was £2.80 a time, and when you chased them, tickled them, and held them up in the air while they giggled, that was about £450.”

Parent Wayne Hayes said: “That’s a lot of money, but of course it’s worth it. Isn’t it?

“Just say yes. That’s all I need to hear.”

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Worker admits mistake

A WORKER who made a mistake did not then try to bullshit her way out of the situation, it has emerged.

Accounts executive Mary Fisher left a document containing confidential client information on a photocopier. When questioned by her boss, she admitted it was a careless mistake on her part and then got a bollocking.

Colleague Roy Hobbs said: “I don’t understand why she didn’t try to shift the blame, pretend she did it deliberately for some obscure reason or simply deny it ever happened.

“You don’t admit to doing things wrong, even things that are undeniably your fault, because that is not how the world works. She’s just thrown away her career and, by extension, her chance of a meaningful life.

“Perhaps she is mentally ill.”

Team leader Nikki Hollis said: “I can only think Mary is playing some sort of a long game. I bet she read a business book that says revealing your weaknesses can be a smart strategic move because it makes people want to tell you their secrets, or something.

“Nobody at work does anything without a devious, self-serving hidden motive. I’m going to be watching that bitch like a hawk.”