Gail Trimble To Be Burnt As A Witch

GAIL Trimble, the University Challenge juggernaut, is to be burnt as a witch, it has been confirmed.

The classics post-graduate student will be tied to a stake in the centre of Oxford this weekend after a baying mob of torch-wielding peasants denounced her as the 'whore-strumpet of Lucifer'.

Oxford professor Julian Cook said: "Her profoundly unfeminine trait of recalling large numbers of random facts is clear evidence of bewitchliness.

"And then there's all that raw, seething lust. Extremely distracting when one is trying to read Dan Brown in the original Greek."

Trimble has terrified millions of innocent people across the country with her ability to answer Jeremy Paxman before he has even finished asking the question.

And her fiery, witch-like temperament was revealed last week when she was overheard telling a frightened team mate, 'it's Thomas Aquinas, you unbearable shitwit'.

Emma Bradford, a terrified sales manager from Leeds, said: "How could any woman who is not the carnal chew-toy of Beelzebub know so many different things?

"Is she Satan's harlot? Or is she just a 26 year-old post-graduate with nothing better to do than sit around all day reading encyclopaedias and having tea and crumpets? Either way I think we should burn her."

Thomas Logan, bursar of Corpus Christi College, where Trimble has been swanning around for the last eight years, added: "I've heard tell that on a full moon she'll suck the brains right out of your nose and then recite the perdiodic table backwards in Aramaic while dancing naked in a circle with a murder of gigantic, two-headed crows.

"And she's also a bit smug."

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Police Looking Forward To ‘summer Of Truncheons’

POLICE forces across the UK are looking forward to cracking dozens of middle class skulls this summer, a senior officer said yesterday.

Superintendent Tom Logan said the recession could provoke thousands of law-abiding professionals into violent unrest giving his officers a once in a lifetime chance to get in amongst them with nightsticks.

He added: "Economic downturn means people you would not normally associate with civil unrest taking their anger on to the streets. It's a very special time in a policeman's life.

"A lot of my lads were too young for the poll tax riots and so this could be their only chance to knock the absolute living shit out of a Guardian reader.

"Ideally it'll be the sort of people who have fancy dinner parties, with their Le Creuset pots and their Cloudy Bay and their nonce friends, passing round the marijuana cigarettes and raising money for Hezbollah.

"The sort of people who think that answering back is a 'human right' and that policeman are just a bunch of violent, ill-educated thugs. The sort of people who have absolutely no fucking idea."

Supt Logan stressed that anyone who is thinking about protesting this summer should not be put off, adding: "Come to London. Have a day out. Throw bricks, deface banks with your tins of Farrow and Ball paint and above all, when the policemen charge at you, stand your ground.

"And when six of my lads are dragging you by the hood of your Fat Face cagoule into the back of a van, please do struggle a bit, thereby giving them reasonable cause to boot you squarely in the kidneys. They love that."